Dio- The Game Dio- The Game
Preface: I should just like to point out to the casual reader who has happened to peruse this article and thought- “Hmm, I could do that!”, please don’t attempt it. In theory, there should be no possible harm caused by producing such an article, but in practise, the process has probably mentally scarred me in ways I shall not fully comprehend until I hit the age of thirty-two. In attempting to find photographs to make these mock-up screenshots, I used the vast resource known as the Internet. Big mistake. I ended up in S&M clothing and accessories virtual stores, a prison sex web ring (web ring! You mean there’s a whole group of people making web sites on this subject?), and this was just whilst searching for a photograph of a straight jacket. I also encountered a web site aimed exclusively at people who put themselves in plaster casts for fun, and then take photographs to share with other aficionados of this hobby (I decided perhaps I didn’t want to know too much about this pastime), as well as a groupie run web site that discussed various rockstars’ sexual habits, as well as offering advice for the aspiring groupie in the form of an agony column (incidentally, the groupies who ran this site were also unconvinced as to Ronnie James Dio’s sexuality- the mere fact they were wondering this at all has no doubt contributed to my suffering). You don’t want to know what I discovered whilst looking for photographs of old women (however, if you do, for a small fee I can provide the URLs discreetly and anonymously J)
With that
cautionary tale in mind, below are exclusive preview pages for the new Dio
computer game, which will be available on most platforms in the near future, or
else it’ll be sold to Microsoft, who in turn will just make everyone buy it,
whether they like it or not, in order to run their computer…
Crapix computer games proudly present 'Dio-
the computer game'. You play Ronnie James Dio, veteran Heavy Metal singer, and
guide him through a series of levels based on his entire career!
Level One: Let's Get Ready To Rumble!
The first level is a platform type romp, where you (as Ronnie James Dio), armed
with only a fishing net and a large metal box, have to capture all the rogue
copies of pre-Elf material: 'Ten More Days To Brenda', 'Great Balls of Fire',
'Ooh Poop De Dooh', 'Red Top', 'Irresistible You', 'Will You Still Love Me
Tomorrow', 'Swinging Street', 'Johnny Blue', 'Hey Look Me Over' and 'I Left My
Heart In San Francisco'. After catching each copy, you place it in your box,
until all ten items have been found, whereupon it's a race against time to find
the Gun Shop at the end of the level. Can you pack your box full of gunpowder
and blow your 50's days to kingdom come before Bill Haley blows his last
trumpet?
“Hurrah! All the offending articles
are hidden away! Time for a trip to ‘Guns and Explosives R Us’, me
thinks!”
Level 2: Go Elf Yourself!
It's 1973 in downtown Detroit, and after a heavy night on the JD, Ronnie can't
find his way back to the recording studio. Worse still, he's lost Mickey, Gary
and David to boot! This level requires all your metal agility in order to
navigate Ronnie around the city, escaping mad Detroit fans ready to ensconce you
with their large 'Detroit Loves Elves' banners whilst trying to crack the
drunken codes required to enter the various drinking establishments (which
mainly involves pretending you’re not at all drunk, and being willing to part
with vast amounts of cash in order to rectify that condition) and rescue your
bandmates before they drink themselves into a stupor. If you complete every last
puzzle and open all of the pubs in the special order, you'll also meet up with
Roger Glover vomiting in the Gents' and enter a bonus level through the
urinals...
“Weary from your search, and with just over one hundred and twenty dollars in your pocket, it’s time to check out the ‘Blind Pig’. Surely someone from your band must be there?”
“Erm, whoops? You’re fast losing the
ability of sight, and are feeling somewhat disorientated. Worse still, with two
cents left- who’s going to buy the next round?”
Bonus Level!
Finding yourself in a wood completely naked except for an inordinate amount of
green body paint and a few prothestic stick on body pieces, it's a mad dash for
points as you try to find as many of Ronnie's clothes as you can before David
'Rock' Feinstein nabs you with his camera lens. Watch out for the Golden
Platforms- they're worth an extra life!
“It’s spring, and you’re naked! Time to grab those clothes as they fall to the ground. Watch out for David “Rock” Feinstein, though- he’s looking a little trigger happy!”
Level 3: Chasing Rainbows
Oh no! It's 1978, the priest's shut himself up in his chapel- it can mean only
one thing- Baal is on the loose! The action packed 3D platform level contains
spooks and thrills as you take Ronnie around the castle studio with a salt
cellar and a rather ineffectual crucifix, tracking down the elusive, wise
cracking Phoenician demon from BC. Beware the recording equipment that's gone
haywire, and Baal's own tricks with glass tumblers. As if that wasn't enough to
contend with, there's the constant threat of being sacked by Blackmore for no
particular reason other than you got up that morning, as well as the broken
china being hurled at you by your wife, who isn't particularly pleased at being
pushed down the stairs by a mischievous incubus...
“Poltergeist activity! With plates and glasses flying from all directions, and Blackmore ready to give the sack (geddit?) to the next person he sees, the best option is to duck and cover, until you can make your attack and banish the spirit of Baal back to the netherworld- room at a time. Here, the antique salt cellar and crucifix prove invaluable. Why is Ritchie Blackmore’s reflection not shown in the mirror? Well, he did say he was a musical vampire…”
Level 4: Black and Blue
Okay, the gloves are off now! As someone once said in the distant past 'No More
Mr. Nice Guy'. It's 1982, and Tony Iommi and Geezer Butler, doped up and boozed
out, are furious that you've been in the studio during the mixing of 'Live
Evil'. In fact, you're being accused of tampering with the mix for your own
benefit! It's time to show them who's boss. With Vinny Appice by your side, you
slug it out in a no-holds barred street fight in the hallowed pedestrian area of
Birmingham City Centre, where anything goes- throw a punch, hurl those
platforms, grab anything from the street that might be used as a weapon- lead
piping, dustbins, even the odd burly shop lifter! And if you manage to destroy
Tony's prosthetic fingertips, you instantly get transported to the Birmingham
suburbs for a special bonus level...
“Birmingham city centre won’t know what’s hit it! Members of Heavy Metal’s aristocracy battle it out for supremacy- and that modern art statue is in perfect position to be used as extra weaponry. Vinny and Ronnie were smart enough to bring their own…”
Bonus Level!
For far too long, Ozzy's been bitching about you- you're gay (even though you're
married) you're Italian (and how's that an insult?) and- gasp! - you're short!
(so that's where all those childhood nicknames came from!) It's time to fight
back! You have sixty seconds to graffiti as many famous monuments in London City
Centre with choice phrases such as 'Ozzy is a poof', 'Ozzy has Dynasty style
hair' and 'Ozzy performs bestiality'- who cares if they're false? (Except one of
those was true…) The more incriminating, the more points. Especially if you
can attract the attention of a camera crew...
“A quick telephone call should ensure the arrival of the entire ‘News at Ten’ camera crew, and probably arouse Kerrang from their slumber.”
(Slogans used have been censored on this screenshot for the protection of younger viewers- a wide variety of expletives are available in the full game)
Level 5: Go Your Own Way
At last, you've got your own band, and even better, your wife's managing you,
thus eliminating that 20% fee usually charged. Your band's shit-hot, the press
are so far up your ass, they keep getting their fingers caught in your pyloric
sphincter and to top it all, you're creaming your former band in both sales and
popularity (there’s something oh-so-satisfying about being able to think ‘In
your face!’). But there's something missing- that's it! The killer stage set-
one that'll give Pink Floyd a run for their money. So, in this challenging
level, you need to build one. Buy a mini welding team, design the set-up and
watch the dream unfold in this ‘Sim Theme-Park’ style level. But make sure
you get the correct measurements to avoid 'Spinal Tap' (or indeed, ‘Black
Sabbath’) like hilarity!
“As the finishing touches are added to Dean the Dragon, you can sit back and admire your creativity and managerial skills. Or at least your ingenuity at managing to find a rogue scientist that would genetically modify an entire workforce to be the size of a drum riser.”
Level 6: Meals Of Steel
'We Are the World'? Pah, here's the benefit with balls- Hear 'N' Aid, where the
cream of 80's rock superstars offered their services all in the name of
charity... and of course, the launch party. This level's an exercise in
peacekeeping as, with help from your trusty wife/manager Wendy (who has since
forgiven you for the little stair incident in level 3) you have to keep everyone
happy, prevent the most drunken homophobic rockers from cornering Rob Halford
into conversation, provide Jimmy Bain with enough booze so that he can just sit
in the barrel and absorb it via osmosis, entertain Mick Wall and his friends
with soundbites and interviews, on top of remonstrating with Vivian Campbell's
endless slander concerning your mental health! Phew, you could do with a break,
and if you grab the pint of bitter power-up, you might just find it...
“After negotiating evil spirits, camera obsessed relatives and the hatred of
practically an entire band, you now face the most prickly moment of your career-
holding a conversation with Yngwie Malsteem!”
Bonus Level!
Another beat the clock points accumulating level, where you have to catch as
many of the 'bonkers in the nut' guitarists you've worked with over the years,
straight-jacket them up, and deposit them in the local loony bin. If you nab
Ritchie Blackmore's hat, you get an extra five thousand points!
“Hurrah! Vivian’s yours for the taking- serves him right for whinging on about your depression for fourteen years. And for having a girls name…”
Level 7: Black and Blue Part 2
So, 'Lock Up The Wolves' didn't go down too well, hey? Never mind- Geezer and
Tony are practically begging you to return to the fold (ah, Smug Mode
activated). But of course, it can't last, and you've had to resort once again to
fisticuffs, but this time on the meaner streets of L.A. With Vinny's aid, use as
many dirty hypodermic needles and discarded police batons as you can, but watch
out- they've got a secret weapon in a bitter Cozy Powell, clad in a full body
cast, and angry that you allegedly used an incident where a horse fell on him to
get Vinny back in the band (you deceptive little minx). Let's get it on!
“The heat is on down in L.A, but watch out for a recovering Cozy Powell. He may be walking around like a croquet hoop following extensive surgery, but he’s still mean opposition…”
Level 8: Spookey G
This time, you've got to act as personal bodyguard to Tracy G, as he tries to
make his way from the tour bus to the stage whilst sustaining as little damage
from urine, hurled glasses, shouting and crisp packets thrown from drunken
'fans'. Block the projectiles with your trusty flared sleeves, but remember- if
Tracy is soaked too much, you lose a life and have to start the level all over
again! If you manage to get Tracy to the stage and protect him long enough for
him to play a solo, you enter a special bonus round...
“It’s time to get tough, as you defend your latest guitarist to the hilt. Well, at least he doesn’t have a severe personality disorder, unlike others that could be mentioned. Using a combination of sheer aggression and the time-honoured physics behind resonance frequency, those glasses prove light work. Plus a bit of heckling never goes amiss, either.”
Bonus Level!
Meanwhile, your erstwhile former colleague Ritchie Blackmore has hooked up with
some tambourine playing tart half his age to piddle around with Renaissance
music, and you wouldn't trust her as far as you could pee on a hot day after
consuming twenty packets of salted peanuts. So, with your trusty flick knife,
it's time to sabotage her collection of antique percussion instruments laced
with small cymbals played against the thigh. Remember, the more tambourines
slashed, the higher the booty at the end- and a flame-thrower can be obtained if
you find Ritchie's old stockings and suspenders set!
“Are those darts I can see in a picture of the ‘classic’ Rainbow line-up? Somebody’s got an axe to grind, or should that be a lute? The stockings and suspenders required for the flame-thrower are in sight, but do you really want to handle them?”
Level 9: A Deeper Shade Of Purple
You've been cordially invited to perform during Roger Glover's solo set at the
Royal Albert Hall- great! Trouble is, Ian Gillan wants you to sing 'Smoke On the
Water' with him, and you haven't a clue as to the words! All you want are a few
cue cards. But this is London- one false turn and you could end up in the heart
of 'StringFellows' with a spotty cleavage being thrust into your face. So, in a
car race more gruelling than Le Mann, you take your red Mercedes into the heart
of London, trying to avoid traffic jams and people with squeegee mops who want
to wash your windscreen, in order to buy some three foot by five foot card and a
marker pen from Staples. Lose points for getting your car washed whilst in a
jam, but gain them for driving off without paying for the clean. Also, in 'Death
Race 2000' style, running over 'N'Sync' fans earns you more points.
“It’s twelve miles until you reach that haven of stationary supplies, but at least you’re cruising at top speed- at least, top speed for central London. Check out your ‘Boy Band Fan Radar’, after all, why buy a Mercedes and not utilise the gun sight adorning the top of its bonnet?”
Level 10: A Magica Ending
Hurrah! The latest album's hit top thirty in a fair few countries, you've got
some of your old jamming buddies back in the band, and a fourteen-month tour
scheduled. Nothing could go wrong- except Jimmy's visa has expired. In an
athletics style event, a run to the Post Office to sort out Jimmy's details
becomes a race against time where little old ladies collecting their pensions,
business men who want to post ten thousand overseas letters to ten thousand
different addresses and queues of people collecting their Giros' add to the
prolonged agony as the clock runs down to zero, whereupon the tour bus will be
impounded due to being parked in a 'one hour stop only' area. Still, there's
always that flame-thrower. If you manage to toast the old woman in front who
always insists on paying for a book of stamps and her T.V. licence with the
lowest denomination of currency possible, another bonus level awaits...
“Pole Vaulting your way to the Post Office entrance with just under an hour to spare. Those documents should be stamped and authorised in no time…”
“But no. The ultra long queue can mean
only one thing- Pension day. Old biddies lined up, complaining about teenagers
and how many times they died in the war just add insult to injury, especially
when the elderly lady in front has bills to pay and only a jar of tuppences to
hand. Hmm, better give Mr. Garrick a call, methinks…”
Bonus Level!
The European tour, and the days are long. What can one do? Play golf with Alice,
of course! A nine hole crazy golf course where the winner takes as much ice
cream (flavour of your choice) home as he can eat. Watch out for the python!
“Ha! That crazy golf hole was easier than it looked! But Alice isn’t too impressed. Gripping his balls in fury, he mutters something about it not being ‘real golf’, that he’s got a handicap level he gained during a charity match and although your stroke hit the spot, it lacked the technique he implements with his. The ‘Cooper Caddy’ duly follows, but not before Alice sneaks behind you with his python. By the way, did I mention you get extra points the more golfing sexual innuendoes you express?”
So, you've won the game, and
successfully navigated little Ronnie through his entire career. Well done! Now
you get to sit back and watch some crappy, pointless end credits and an
animation sequence (if you’re lucky) and wonder just why you bothered spending
all day in the effort of completing it. :-) But- if you completed at least three
of the bonus levels, you get the company of the lovely Isabeaux and her
enchanting dance of the belly (Belly dancing to the uninitiated) which gives you
a good incentive to pick the blasted game up one more time…
“Heard the one about the short man, the tall, buxom woman and the Tango? No,
neither have I… Now all that’s left to do is to take home your spoils of
war, and relax in the knowledge that you can retire any time you like, be it
tomorrow or the day you die (unless those cryogenics researchers figure out how
to implant your brain into a clone of your body in the meantime). Hurrah!”
The End!
Editor's note:
I have to say that Loopy has REALLY outdone herself this time. What a great bit of humor and such fantastic work on the graphics!
I bestow upon her the unofficial award of the THE PLAQUE FROM THE SILVER MOUNTAIN!
Here's to you lady!
Stay tuned, and check the archives here at The Man On A Silver Mountain, for hilarious features from Loopy Lam!
KEN