The Guitarist that Ate My Band- Part Two
By Loopy Lam
The Story So Far: It is now 1976, and Ritchie’s plans have come to fruition- with the remaining members of Elf now despatched for good, Ronnie James Dio is the lone survivor. Having recruited Jimmy Bain, Cozy Powell and, in the interim period, Tony Carey- a keyboardist with a greater concentration of chin than a Chinese telephone directory, Rainbow have returned from their first tour and are in the process of recording their latest album, but Ronnie isn’t happy…
Principle Cast:
(as before, but with the following additions)
Tony Carey- Kirk Douglas
Wendy Murray- Gwyneth Paltrow
Guest Cast:
Woman in hotel- Rachel Weiss
Roadie- Bruce Willis
Elderly Gentleman- Edward Woodward
Rebecca- some random cute kid (c’mon, who cares? We could just borrow one off a crèche for a bit)
Rebecca’s Mother- Pamela Des Barnes
CUT TO:
SCENE FOURTEEN: Interior of a recording studio. A blood red horror-esque font spells out the legend ‘Munich 1976’. Ritchie Blackmore is jamming with Cozy Powell, Jimmy Bain is swigging from a bottle of methylated spirits whilst plunking at his bass and Tony Carey is noodling on his keyboard, trying to avoid hitting the keys with his gargantuan chin (oh come on- I can’t be the only person who’s noticed!). Business as usual then, except Ronnie James Dio is sitting glumly on the edge of the steps, staring at a lyric sheet he has penned, and is hardly in the best of spirits.
TC: (runs towards Ronnie James Dio) Hey Ronnie, have you got a melody for this piece yet? It’s just (with false modesty) that I’ve worked out this pretty cool key…
RJD: Tony.
TC: Hmm?
RJD: Fuck off.
TC: (palms aloft) Hey, I was only trying…
RJD: My patience, yeah. (pauses as he glimpses Tony Carey’s perturbed expression). Just leave me alone, okay?
TC: Okay…
Tony Carey walks away with an odd look on his face. As he passes Ritchie Blackmore, who is re-tuning his guitar, he nudges him.
TC: (to Ritchie Blackmore) Didn’t think blokes could get PMT.
At this point, Jimmy Bain pauses from his drinking to catch Ronnie James Dio’s dejected countenance. Out of concern, he walks over to where he is seated.
JB: (touches Ronnie James Dio’s arm as he sits down next to him) Hey Ron, everything alright?
RJD: (sighs heavily) No, everything is not alright. (pauses, turns to face Jimmy Bain) It’s been a year since they all were killed. My friends- we’d been through so much together! (looks jeeringly in Ritchie Blackmore’s direction) He’s acting like it never happened, the bastard. You know- they’ve died and it’s just another day. I’m sorry, Jimmy, but I can’t be so callous.
JB: (hugs Ronnie James Dio) Of course you can’t. (pauses) For what it’s worth, I’m sorry I inadvertently killed your last bass player by being borne of his alimentary canal… (trails off, guiltily)
RJD: (pats Jimmy Bain on the arm) Hey, it’s not your fault- it could have happened to anyone.
JB: (offers a bottle of wine in Ronnie James Dio’s direction) Drink? It’ll take your mind off things. You know what they say (adopts corny advertisers voice): ‘The other thing men think about!’
RJD: (smiles at the joke) No thanks, I’m cutting down.
JB: (stares at Ronnie James Dio with an ugly mixture of disgust and pity) Pray tell, why?
RJD: (shakes his head wearily) I’m fed up of all the memory gaps- I’ve been so pissed, I’ve forgotten entire days worth of stuff I’ve done.
JB: Wow- even I haven’t managed that one yet!
RJD: It’s really getting bad- you know something? The first time I spoke to Ritchie, about two years ago?
JB: (gravely interested in the tale) Yeah?
RJD: He just turned up in our- I mean Elf, the band- our dressing room and said to me ‘Hello. You’re a great singer’.
JB: And then what?
RJD: That’s just it. I remember him leaving, but some other discourse must have taken place, and I can’t remember a damn part of it!
JB: Yeah, but you know Ritchie- he’s not right in the head. You could very well have remembered everything about that conversation.
RJD: (laughs) True. (pauses, looks at Jimmy Bain) Thanks, mate.
JB: No problem, just don’t expect me to restrain you when the desire to beat Tony with a big stick consumes you…
RJD: (laughs indignantly) Hey, whaddya mean ‘when’? I’m not that violent!
JB: Oh, neither am I, but that feeling has welled up inside me at least seventeen times on that last tour.
They both laugh.
JB: (taps Ronnie James Dio on the arm once more) Here, I tell you what you need.
RJD: (genuinely interested) What?
JB: A woman.
RJD: (laughs and shakes his head) Now Jimmy…
JB: No, really- and I know you won’t believe me- but you can have a career and a relationship at the same time, you know.
RJD: (still laughing) Jimmy…
JB: (interrupting) Or just some mindless sex might help…
RJD: Jimmy, just let me grieve in my own way
JB: I don’t recall ever hearing anybody say you can’t grieve with naked women and booze!
RJD: (smiles) Thank you for your concern, Jimmy, but I really need to sort myself out a bit (pulls down at his shirt collar and prods his now familiar weeping scar) and maybe get this checked out…
JB: Jesus, Ronnie- that still hasn’t healed?
RJD: Nope.
JB: (shakes his head) And to think I was worried Tony would drive me to an early grave.
RJD: Hey, he’s not that bad- I’m just not ready to deal with it yet.
Ritchie Blackmore walks over to where Ronnie James Dio and Jimmy Bain are seated, having caught the last few words of their discourse.
RB: You’d better deal with it quick, Ronnie- we do have a deadline on recording this album.
RJD: (stands up) Oh yeah (sarcastically) I forgot- not allowed to have feelings where the album is concerned.
Ronnie James Dio coldly pushes past Ritchie Blackmore by bashing his chest with his shoulder, and storms off to record his vocals. Ritchie Blackmore appears genuinely confused by his reaction.
RB: (to Jimmy Bain) What’s gotten into him?
JB: (stares at Ritchie Blackmore in dismay) I would’ve thought you of all people could have figured that one out!
Jimmy Bain gets up and walks towards his bass with equal chagrin. Ritchie Blackmore stands looking puzzled until the realisation of Ronnie James Dio’s grieving dawns upon him, at which point his expression changes to one of embarrassment and concern as he realises his faux pas.
RB: (as he drags his hands down his face) Oh no!
CUT TO:
SCENE FIFTEEN: The bar of the hotel in Munich where the band members of Rainbow are currently staying. Ronnie James Dio is sitting, glumly, at the bar on a stool, sucking despondently on a beer, of which many empty pint glasses are strewn near his area of the bar. Jimmy Bain is also sitting next to him, swigging chirpily from a pitcher containing Jack Daniels, which he frequently gets the barman to top up. Sadly, his contented demeanour is doing little to rouse Ronnie James Dio from down in the dumps.
JB: Oh, cheer up Ronnie- it’s not all bad.
RJD: (sighs, but not aggressively this time) Yes it is.
Upon speaking these words, Ronnie James Dio pulls his wallet out of the pocket of his jeans and shows Jimmy Bain a photograph of himself with Mickey Lee Soule, Gary Driscoll, Craig Gruber and Steve Edwards.
RJD: See that? We were really tight- we’d worked our way from the bottom, playing in dingy bars across the Upstate New York area up until our tours with Deep Purple. It was kinda like ‘band of brothers’ type stuff- well, not so much Steve. Not because he wasn’t nice or anything, it’s just Dave, my cousin, was our lead guitarist up until about ’73- and I always considered him my lead guitarist, if you know what I mean. But things were really looking up for us. Deep Purple supporting gigs- great! (sighs, sucks at his pint again) Then it all went wrong. (shakes his head sadly)
JB: They really all died?
RJD: Yep- one after the other- except Gary. Well, he did die, but he sort of… (tries to find the words to explain to Jimmy Bain how Gary Driscoll escaped) It’s kind of like… (sighs and gives up) Oh, what’s the use? Let’s just say he’s a drummer and they never go the way you expect them to.
JB: What happened to Dave?
RJD: Dave went slightly nuts after our first tour with Deep Purple. He fled music and went to live in a log cabin without any access to the outside world- no telephone, no electricity…
JB: (jokingly) Gosh, if working near Ritchie is that bad…
RJD: (as the effects of his numerous pints are starting to show) Ritcshie- donsh’t gesht me shtarted on fushcking Ritcshie! The bashtard- it wash all hish doingsh! Mickey even leftsh me a tapshe exshplaining it all- wellsh what he couldsh before Ritcshie burshts in onto itsh and starts shucking his brainsh outsh with a big shtraw.
JB: (looking at Ronnie James Dio with a mixture of incredulity and concern) C’mon, Ronnie, this is the beer talking, not you…
RJD: (smashes his beer glass across the floor with a swipe of his hand) Isht’s the Goddamnsh trutsh!
JB: (in a calming manner) Hey, take it easy there, fella!
Jimmy Bain hoists Ronnie James Dio back onto his seat by lifting him up by his torso- imagine the Heimlich manoeuvre, and you’re pretty much there. At this point, Ritchie Blackmore walks in, and sees Jimmy Bain struggling to keep Ronnie James Dio from falling off his bar stool.
RB: (to Jimmy Bain) Is he alright?
JB: Yeah- just boozed up and upset. He’ll be okay in the morning.
Ronnie James Dio spots Ritchie Blackmore for the first time.
RJD: You murderinsght bashtard!
Ronnie James Dio manages to slacken Jimmy Bain’s grip on his body enough to head butt Ritchie Blackmore square in the nose, and a sickening ‘snap’ is heard.
JB: (winces as Ritchie Blackmore’s nose beings to bleed) But I don’t know if you’ll be.
RB: (wipes the smear of blood from his face) It’s quite alright- when did a little blood hurt anyone? (to Jimmy Bain) Perhaps I’d better take care of him- I was around when everything happened with Elf and all… I think he’ll take it better from me.
JB: I wouldn’t count on it! (whistles through his teeth) Last thing he was saying was, well, basically that you killed all his other band mates. Now, I know the demon drink can make you do some crazy stuff, so I’m not sure you’d ought to assume he’d be happy to have you take him back to his room.
RB: (smiles menacingly, which is lost on Jimmy Bain) Don’t worry, Jimmy- I know how to handle him.
Jimmy Bain looks on, slightly non-plussed, as Ritchie Blackmore hurls Ronnie James Dio over his shoulder in a fireman’s lift, and does his best to ignore Ronnie James Dio’s quite violent protestations.
RB: (as he grunts with the effort of carrying a nine stone weight on his shoulder) Come on now, off to bed with you. You’ve had quite enough of that amber nectar.
RJD: (as he’s carted off) Gesht offsh me! Lesht me go!
Ronnie James Dio thumps hard on Ritchie Blackmore’s back- when that doesn’t work, he takes to yanking his hair roughly. Ritchie Blackmore does his best to ignore it as he walks calmly out of the hotel bar and into the nearby lift.
CUT TO:
SCENE SIXTEEN: Outside Ronnie James Dio’s hotel room. Ritchie Blackmore fiddles inside Ronnie James Dio’s trouser pockets, not without a look of distaste, until he finds his hotel keys. He then opens up the door, and drags an angry, shouting Ronnie James Dio inside. The noise he has been making, however, has woken up some other people, amongst them, a few members of the band.
WOMAN: (wearing a nightgown and curlers in her hair) Keep the noise down, you ruffians! (looks at Ritchie Blackmore, and points at Ronnie James Dio) What are you trying to do, kill him?
RJD: Yesh, he ish- murderinsght bashtard!
RB: (laughs a little too genially) He’s just a little drunk and upset- don’t worry, I’m taking care of it.
After offering Ritchie Blackmore a cursory glance, the woman slams her door in disgust. Cozy Powell and Tony Carey, from different rooms, both open their doors.
CP: What’s going on? (looks at Ronnie James Dio) He’s really upsetting my ladyfriend!
RB: He’s drunk and upset- this whole Elf thing, you see…
TC: Here, mine too- It’s twenty to one in the morning! How can he be this pissed so early?
RJD: (wildly) He’sh goingsh to kill mesh, likshe the oshters!
RB: (smiling too widely, his voice raised to a slightly higher pitch) I’m handling it! It’s quite alright!
Ritchie Blackmore pushes Ronnie James Dio into his room, after prising said singer’s fingers from the doorframe. He follows him inside, and shuts the door. A metallic clicking noise can be heard, clearly indicting Ritchie Blackmore has locked the door. Cozy Powell and Tony Carey look at each other in confusion, shrug their shoulders and return to their rooms. A few moments later, Jimmy Bain appears in the hallway, having presumably drained the hotel bar dry. Upon walking past Ronnie James Dio’s room, he hears dubious moaning sounds emanating from the room. He puts his ears to the door and ascertains the sounds are moans of pain. Presuming Ronnie James Dio is throwing up, he walks away, although his face wears the expression of one who is a little perturbed.
CUT TO:
SCENE SEVENTEEN: Inside Ronnie James Dio’s hotel room. It is now daylight, and Ritchie Blackmore is sitting on Ronnie James Dio’s pale-sheeted bed, with said singer in his arms.
RB: (whilst cradling Ronnie James Dio in his arms, and stroking his hair comfortingly with his hand) Hush, it’s all okay now- you won’t remember a thing, my pet.
Ritchie Blackmore lies Ronnie James Dio down on the bed, and it is at this point the audience see that he is either fast asleep, or unconscious. Ronnie James Dio’s head lolls onto one side, and he appears fine. Whilst he is sleeping, Ritchie Blackmore sneaks around his room, looking in drawers and the like, until he pulls out an unlabelled videotape. He then leaves the room via the window, tape in hand. The camera pans back across to Ronnie James Dio sleeping quietly on the bed, save for the odd twitch of a limb. The audience sees a patch of wet blood forming on the bed sheets near his neck and chest.
CUT TO:
SCENE EIGHTEEN: The aforementioned studio, again. Only Cozy Powell, Jimmy Bain and Tony Carey are there at the moment, and they are all discussing the missing band members with an interest akin to a ‘Mother’s meeting’.
CP: (to Jimmy Bain, unconvinced) Are you sure?
JB: I heard what I heard!
TC: Yeah, but that’s a bit ludicrous- if Ronnie was so drunk, he’d be likely to vomit his guts up, wouldn’t he?
JB: Yeah, but he sounded a little… Like he was enjoying it a bit, if you get my drift. Now, he’s either got some well weird fetish going on, or perhaps Ritchie was taking a little too much care of him. I went past his door again this morning, and it was still locked, too!
CP: Yeah, but Jimmy, you’d had a little to drink too, and if I remember clearly, you misconstrued that young woman’s shout of ‘Get your hands off me, you filthy, disgusting old man!’ as a come on last time you’d had a few. You’re probably just imagining things.
JB: (with indignation) Cozy! I’m sure you did not imagine Ritchie dragging Ronnie into his hotel room, him locking the door, and I can assure you I did not imagine those sounds! Anyway, (lowers his voice a little) I went past his door again this morning, and it was still locked, too! (raises his voice) I’m telling you, there’s been some prime bum-burglary going on, and I’m certain that…
Ritchie Blackmore enters the room, followed by a pale and delicate looking Ronnie James Dio.
TC: (a little too loudly) Ritchie! Hi! We were just wondering when you’d show up!
CP: Yeah. (looks at Ronnie) You alright?
RJD: (quietly, but with a slight monotone quality to his voice) Yeah- probably a hangover.
TC: You did seem really worse for wear last night.
RJD: (genuinely confused) Eh?
TC: When Ritchie had to practically drag you into your room- you were screaming blue murder!
RJD: (embarrassed) Oh- I’m sorry, last night was a bit of a blur. I don’t remember much about it.
JB: (to Ritchie Blackmore, in an insinuating tone) So, did you take good care of him last night?
RB: (a little guiltily) Yes, I saw to Ronnie.
JB: Oh, you saw to him, did you? (nudges Tony Carey and Cozy Powell a little too conspicuously) He ‘saw’ to him, did you hear? ‘Saw’ to him. (pauses for added emphasis) ‘Saw’.
Tony Carey and Cozy Powell glance at him incredulously.
RB: Is everything alright?
JB: Fine, Ritchie. Did you get Ronnie this morning?
RB: Sorry, I don’t follow you.
JB: From his room. It’s just that you entered this room together, and I just assumed…
RB: Oh yes, of course. (pauses, as he realises Jimmy Bain is waiting for further clarification) I walked him down here- he seemed a little shaky on his pins. (to Ronnie James Dio, playfully scolding) That’ll teach you to drink so much…
JB: (interrupts) Only, Ronnie’s door was still locked when I went past this morning, which was before you must have collected him, so how you got out last night without opening it, especially with us all being on the sixth floor…
RB: (coughs nervously) Ah yes- I stayed with him.
JB: (raises an eyebrow accusatorily) Stayed with him?
RB: Yeah, I stayed the night to make sure he didn’t choke on his own vomit or anything as he slept off his stupor.
JB: Oh, so you (coughs) stayed the night. With Ronnie. In his room. All night. And saw to him.
CP: (quietly to Jimmy Bain, as he shakes his head with vague amusement) Give it a rest, Jimmy.
RJD: (sits down in a chair all of a sudden) Ooh, I don’t feel so good.
Ritchie Blackmore rushes to his aid and kneels down next to him, as Jimmy Bain looks on suspiciously.
RB: (takes Ronnie James Dio’s hand) Are you alright, Ronnie?
RJD: (whispers) I just feel really faint.
RB: Don’t worry, I’ll get my roadie to fetch you some spinach, steak and a glass of water.
RJD: Why? I’ve got a hangover, that’s all. (laughs) Anyone would think you reckoned I was anaemic!
RB: (stammers a little) Well, it’s a known cure for hangovers too- trust me.
RJD: (laughs) Okay- but I think you’re overreacting.
RB: (pats him on the knee in a friendly manner) I’ll go and get him, I won’t be long. (to Cozy Powell, Jimmy Bain and Tony Carey) Take good care of him while I’m gone.
Ritchie Blackmore leaves the room.
TC: (stands up and crosses his legs) Sorry guys, I’m bursting for a slash- I’ll be back in a minute.
Tony Carey follows Ritchie Blackmore out of the room.
JB: (to Cozy Powell, out of earshot of Ronnie James Dio) Did you hear that?
CP: Jimmy, leave it. It’s getting far too silly. And who cares, anyway?
JB: I know, I know- but I’m nosey. Sue me.
Ronnie James Dio starts to fall asleep, unnoticed by Cozy Powell and Jimmy Bain.
CUT TO:
SCENE NINETEEN: An alcove in the corridor leading to the studio. Tony Carey totters along the corridor, searching for the toilets, when he chances upon Ritchie Blackmore in deep discussion with his roadie. Tony Carey hides out of view, and listens to their conversation.
RB: (worriedly) Poor Ronnie- I should’ve been more careful with him. (paces a little, then turns to face his roadie again) I was too crazed with it- I shouldn’t have taken so much. He’s only slight- his little body couldn’t have handled it.
ROADIE: Relax, Ritchie- he’ll be alright. Just remember not to be so rough with him again.
RB: I know, but I just couldn’t control myself…
The camera pans in on Tony Carey’s shocked looking face, before he darts back to the studio.
CUT TO:
SCENE TWENTY: The studio again. Tony Carey rushes in, and almost runs into Cozy Powell and Jimmy Bain.
TC: Guys! You won’t believe what I just heard Ritchie say!
CUT TO:
SCENE TWENTY-ONE: The alcove in the corridor leading into the studio again. The audience get to catch up with the rest of Ritchie Blackmore’s conversation.
ROADIE: You must learn to control yourself! You can’t just drain a guy like that- they’ll never survive.
RB: I couldn’t help it- such fresh, new talent.
ROADIE: Ritchie, if you want to live, and not merely survive, you must master the art of not drinking too much blood from your victims. What happens if he dies, hmm? Who else will you have to share such talent?
RB: I could always turn him- into a vampire like me.
ROADIE: Ritchie, both you and I know what a last resort that is. Control him this way first- at least you can share in his creativity first hand, rather than merely controlling it.
RB: You’re right, of course. Thank you.
ROADIE: I’ll get that food for Ronnie. (pauses) You did notice…
RB: Yep, I noticed.
The camera zooms in on Ritchie’s face, half obscured in sinister shadows.
RB: Don’t worry- I’ll see to him.
CUT TO:
SCENE TWENTY-TWO: The studio. Again (I don’t know about you, but I’m getting dizzy from all these scene swapsies). Ritchie Blackmore has just entered with his roadie, carrying a plate of spinach and steak. The camera pans to Ritchie Blackmore’s aghast looking face as he sees Ronnie James Dio sprawled out on his chair.
RB: (angrily, to Cozy Powell, Jimmy Bain and Tony Carey) I thought I told you to take care of him!
CP: He’s asleep, Ritchie- probably the best thing for him.
RB: (snappily) No it isn’t- it’s probably the worst thing he could be doing! (slaps Ronnie James Dio’s face several times) Wake up! Wake up!
RJD: (groggily) Hmm, what?
RB: Oh thank God! (hands Ronnie James Dio the plate) Here, eat this- you’ll feel better.
As Ronnie James Dio is eating, Ritchie Blackmore sits next to him and watches him intently, stroking his hair tenderly with his hand as he does so.
RJD: (looking perturbed, speaks through a mouthful of food) Ritchie, what are you doing?
RB: I thought I’d lost you.
RJD: (snorts, then laughs a little) Ritchie, it’s a hangover- I’m hardly likely to die from it, am I.
RB: (quietly) Sometimes I worry.
Tony Carey and Cozy Powell look at each other in puzzlement, then turn to face Jimmy Bain, who returns their glances with an expression of triumph.
RJD: (to Ritchie Blackmore) There really is no need- I’m fine.
RB: Even so- it never hurts to be careful (smiles) Plus, I don’t want your voice crackling on me during this upcoming tour.
RJD: (with mock indignation) And since when have I crackled before?
JB: (in an effort to change the subject) When are we heading out, anyway, Ritchie?
RB: A month after we finish recording this album- I only need Cozy to add his drum solo section to the beginning of ‘Stargazer’ after Ronnie’s tacked on the vocals for ‘Do You Close Your Eyes’.
RJD: (after swallowing a mouthful of water) Yeah- I’ll have that nailed by tonight.
RB: (looks expectantly at Cozy Powell) Cozy?
CP: What?
RB: How long do you think you’ll take?
CP: If you’re counting the actual playing of the solo…
RB, RJD, JB, TC: Next week.
CUT TO:
SCNE TWENTY-THREE: The interior of a flat in London. It is fairly clean and tidy, but is definitely a bachelor pad- masculine furniture pieces dominate the place, along with a distinct lack of cushions, doilies and ‘Pre-Raphaelite’ paintings. There are a smattering of black and white photographs in plain silver frames along the mantle piece- a few of a typical Italian-American nuclear family, a couple of band shots and the odd woman (as in, random women who we do not recognise, as opposed to a slightly eccentric lady). That same blood red font spells out the legends ‘London’ and ‘A Fortnight Later’ in succession. The camera pans to Jimmy Bain, who is sitting on the burgundy leather sofa, flicking idly through a newspaper. Ronnie James Dio enters the room, carrying a four-pack of beer. He breaks one off the plastic rings, then hands the remaining five cans to Jimmy Bain.
JB: (to Ronnie James Dio) Cheers, mate. And thanks for letting me crash a few nights.
RJD: Not a problem.
Ronnie James Dio sits down on an armchair that doesn’t match the sofa in either style, colour or fabric. He puts his feet up on the coffee table.
JB: Nice place you’ve got here, Ron.
RJD: (opens his can of beer, it hisses as he pulls the ringpull) Yeah, it isn’t bad, considering the rent I pay, or rather, don’t.
It is at this point that Jimmy Bain notices a baseball bat standing against the armchair, looking considerably out of place.
JB: (nods towards the baseball bat) What’s that for?
RJD: (lifts his feet off the coffee table and sits up properly) What? The baseball bat? (lowers his voice confidentially) Sometimes, I get (coughs) an unwelcome visitor.
JB: (raises his eyebrows) What, a rat? (looks instinctively under the sofa)
RJD: (inspects his fingernails) Depends which way you look at it.
JB: (puzzled) Eh?
RJD: (nonchalantly) It’s the landlord.
Jimmy Bain mouths an ‘ahh’ in understanding. He starts to fidget a little, as though he’s working his way up to asking a potentially uncomfortable question.
JB: (stretches out his arms on the sofa) Hmm, the place does lack a woman’s touch.
RJD: (laughs) That’s because no women live here, Jimmy.
JB: (pulls a face) Hardee har har- but surely there’s some special woman in your life at the moment?
RJD: (picks up the baseball bat and begins to swing it) Nope.
JB: Nobody you’ve got your eye on?
RJD: (continues to swing the bat) No-one special- why the sudden interest? (eyes him dangerously) You haven’t been watching ‘Gone With The Wind’ again, have you? You know that gets you way too misty eyed.
JB: No! I… (catches another glimpse of Ronnie James Dio swinging his baseball bat haphazardously) Ronnie, could you put that thing down a sec, you’re staring to unnerve me.
Ronnie James Dio does as he’s told, then looks up earnestly at Jimmy Bain.
RJD: Something’s got you worried, hasn’t it?
JB: Well, kind of, yeah.
RJD: (folds his arms and sits back in his armchair, with an expression of slight humour on his face) Okay, Jimmy, what is it then?
JB: Well… (shifts in his seat once more) About you and Ritchie?
RJD: Shoot.
JB: Well… You get on alright, don’t you?
RJD: Well, yeah- (laughs) we do work together, Jimmy.
JB: I know, but there are (coughs) degrees of getting on, aren’t there?
RJD: (listening more intently) S’pose so, yeah.
JB: (coughs with nervousness) Erm, would you excuse me? I need to relieve myself- where’s your bathroom?
RJD: (points roughly across to a door) First on the right.
JB: Cheers.
Jimmy Bain leaves the room, and Ronnie James Dio remains in his seat, looking distinctly non-plussed.
SCENE TWENTY-FOUR: Ronnie James Dio’s bathroom. It is a typical bathroom, with few artefacts in it to distinguish it from any other bathroom in a London flat.
The camera pans across to Jimmy Bain, who is just flushing the toilet. He walks across (albeit not very far- remember he is in a flat) to the sink and washes his hands. Absently drying his hands on a nearby towel, he spies something interesting to the enquiring mind of Jimmy Bain.
JB: (to himself) Ooh, medicine cabinet!
Jimmy Bain opens the medicine cabinet and peers at the contents. He notices some type of prescription drugs in an archetypal brown childproof (and usually patient-proof) bottle, and lifts them out to inspect further. His expression changes to one of surprise as he reads the label.
JB: (reads aloud) ‘Mr. Padavona’? Who’s that?
Suddenly, Jimmy Bain’s features register some form of realisation.
JB: (to himself) Oh God! Of course! No wonder this place has no feminine touch! (pauses) I wonder if Ritchie knows there’s another guy involved?
SCENE TWENTY-FIVE: Yet another house. This time, we are in the kitchen and the décor gives more of the impression of a marital home, with an abundance of cushions and other fairly useless ‘object d’art’ such as figurines, paintings and the like. It is also dark outside. Blood red horror-esque font spells out the legend ‘Elsewhere in London’ (because, let’s face it, all big American film producers find it hard to comprehend there is any other city or town in the whole of the United Kingdom). The camera pans across to Tony Carey, who, having switched the light on, is walking towards the taps with a glass in his hand. He doesn’t look very well at all- his face is all puffed up (but not enough to match his chin) and he is very pale.
TC: (to himself- there’s a lot of that going on at the moment, isn’t there?) A drink’ll hopefully make me feel better.
Tony Carey puts the glass to his lips after filling it with water. He takes a sip, the all of a sudden, he clutches his stomach in the manner of one who is about to vomit. As he is, he aims for the nearest receptacle, which happens to be the sink and beings to spew up violently. The noise wakes his wife up, who will be referred to as Tony’s Wife, seeing as she only appears in this one brief scene, and I’ve no idea as to her name.
TW: Honey, what on Earth are you doing?
TC: (lift his head up) Vomiting, dear.
TW: (tuts) I told you not to have the seafood, no matter how insistent ‘that’ Ritchie Blackmore was.
SCENE TWENTY-SIX: Ronnie James Dio’s flat once more. It is morning, and Cozy Powell is sitting on the sofa, along with Jimmy Bain. They are discussing Ronnie James Dio, as he is not in the room.
CP: (in a weary voice) So, you’re saying he’s definitely gay.
JB: Yup- except I’m not sure Ritchie is the permanent partner.
CP: (looking suddenly interested) How do you mean?
JB: I found some pills in his medicine cabinet- they were for a ‘Mr. Padavona’
CP: (looking a little fake in his excitement) Really? How interesting- (looks around the room) no wonder there isn’t a doily in sight. (pauses for a moment in consternation) What were you doing looking in his medicine cabinet anyway?
JB: (shrugs) Everyone needs a hobby.
Ronnie James Dio enters the room and sits on the armchair- in a clear display of typical family dynamics, everyone has their own specific seat in the living room.
RJD: What’s the matter, guys?
CP: Oh, we were just talking about you, weren’t we, Jimmy?
Cozy Powell looks at Jimmy Bain, who appears to be quite embarrassed.
RJD: (chuckles) Ah- nothing too salacious, I hope?
CP: Well…
JB: (hisses at Cozy Powell) Shut up!
CP: (grinning from ear to ear) It's just that Jimmy was wondering about your boyfriend.
RJD: (eyebrows colliding into each other with surprise) My boyfriend?
CP: Yeah- Jimmy was looking in your medicine cabinet and noticed a Mr. Padavona lives here too.
RJD: Yeah- that would be me.
JB and CP: (in unison) Eh?
RJD: My real name is Ronald James Padavona- for obvious reasons I’m known as Ronnie, and Dio was a stage name a friend and I came up with whilst at Uni. It just seems to have stuck. (pauses, contemplates something) Erm, Jimmy, why were you looking in my medicine cabinet anyway?
JB: (raises his hands in indignation) Jesus! Some people like to shoot cute furry animals and have them mounted to the wall, I like to nosey in people’s medicine cabinets- you tell me who’s doing the most harm?
CP: (to Ronnie James Dio) Why not have your name changed by deed poll, or something?
RJD: I don’t want to- it’s a stage name, not a lifestyle choice. It’s just that some people’s nicknames stick more than others. (shakes his head and laughs) I can’t believe you thought I was gay, Jimmy!
CP: (buts in before Jimmy Ban gets a chance) Hey, come on, it could’ve been worse- (laughs) he could’ve thought you were carrying on with Ritchie Blackmore.
RJD: Now, there’s a frightening thought! (laughs) Does anyone want a cup of tea? (looks at Jimmy Bain) Mint julep?
JB: Oh, very funny!
Ronnie James Dio leaves the living room to enter the kitchen, whilst laughing his head off.
JB: (when Ronnie James Dio is out of earshot ) You knew, you bastard! You knew and you didn’t tell me! (as he glances to see Cozy Powell’s face, screwed up in hysterical laughter) Why didn’t you tell me!
CP: Because, it’s been so bloody funny watching you try to find a subtle way of finding out! (bursts out laughing again)
JB: I am subtle! I do a very good job of being subtle, thank you very much!
CP: (slaps Jimmy Bain on the arm as he continues to snigger) Oh come on Jimmy, you’re about as subtle as using a sledgehammer on an ant!
Suddenly, the telephone rings.
JB: Shall I answer that for you, Ron?
RJD: (off camera) Sure thing- unless you’re worried the caller might think you’re my new love toy? (laughs)
JB: (with a little smile) Yeah, yeah- laugh it up (picks up receiver) Hello?… Tony, hi, what’s the matter… Oh, I see- have you spoken to Ritchie?… Ah… We’re at Ronnie’s pad, do you want… We’ll come right over. See you in a bit. (puts phone receiver down)
CP: What was all that about?
JB: (shouts into kitchen area) Hey Ronnie, come here a second.
Ronnie James Dio re-enters the living room.
RJD: What’s the matter? Who ‘phoned?
JB: That was Tony. He’s come down with… well, he thought it was food poisoning at first, but his symptoms have got really… well, strange. I think he could do with some tea and sympathy- he didn’t sound very well at all.
CP: (interested) What did he say his symptoms were?
JB: He literally can’t get out of bed, he’s got a high temperature and is suffering from projectile vomit. He’s also, according to his wife, been going through some sort of Tourette’s syndrome type ramblings.
RJD: (raises his eyebrows) Doesn’t sound too clever.
CP: Shall we go then?
RJD: You guys go on ahead- I have to see my doctor first.
JB: Your doctor- why?
RJD: I was given these pills to combat the dizzy spells, memory loss and fatigue, and they want to check back up on me.
JB: Are they working?
RJD: No- I guess that’s what the check up is about.
CUT TO:
SCENE TWENTY-SEVEN: The waiting room of a local General Practise. Ronnie James Dio is seated, sandwiched between a young mother with a bawling child, and an elderly gentleman who keeps looking at Ronnie James Dio’s hair in disgust. To pass the time, he has picked up a magazine from the nearby table. Such is the slim pickings on offer in the reading department of most waiting rooms, he is idly flicking through the pages of ‘Cosmopolitan’, pausing only in interest at an article explaining ‘women- you CAN have it all!’.
EG: (shuffles in his seat and tuts at Ronnie James Dio) It’s a disgrace- walking around with hair like that. (looks at Ronnie James Dio) You should get a haircut, you layabout!
RJD: Why? It was perfectly good for all your sovereigns for the past five hundred years.
EG: And you’re a bloody Yank an’ all- I says to them in the War- they should’ve sent the lot of you packing! (mutters in disgust) living off our welfare system…
RJD: Actually, I’m here on account of my work.
EG: (ignoring him) It’s a disgrace, that’s what it is, all you poofs wandering around… Back in the day, your sort of perversions were illegal.
RJD: (looks at the elderly gentleman blankly) My perversions?
EG: You name me, I say you name me one ‘how’s your father’ that’s done anything worthwhile…
RJD: (interrupting him) Oscar Wilde, D. H. Lawrence…
EG: And I bet they’d all loved you and your long hair- looking like a woman!
RJD: Surely that defeats the object of homosexuality? (to himself) What is it with everyone’s preoccupations with my sexuality today? Is this a regular thing I should start to expect now I’m a fully fledged rock singer?
The elderly gentleman merely tuts and turns his back on Ronnie James Dio, who is about to start reading ‘Cosmopolitan’ in peace until he notices the young mother’s little girl staring at him an a fascinated way.
LG: Wow- are you a girl or a boy?
RJD: A man- why do you ask?
LG: Because (takes a deep breath) You’ve got long hair, but you’re wearing trousers.
RJD: (laughs) Ah- you should never take such things at face value.
LG: (having suddenly noticed Ronnie James Dio’s odd shaped, and as yet, still raw, scar) What’s that? The little girl prods at it, causing Ronnie James Dio to wince.
LG: Ah- I know: You’ve been bitten by a vampire!
RJD: (humouring her) A vampire?
Eerie music begins to play as Rebecca speaks.
LG: Yeah- they come into your room at night, as mist and stuff, and while you’re asleep (chomps her teeth)- they bite you!
RJD: That’s not very nice, is it? (looks around furtively, then lowers his voice) Do you know how I can stop them?
LG: (nods proudly) Yep! (also lowers her voice conspiratorially) What you need is a cross on a chain and some garlic. Vampires don’t like garlic. Or crosses.
RJD: Do you think garlic tablets would work?
LG: Hmm, might do (shakes her head) but for the best results, I’d recommend the real thing. (pauses) I don’t like garlic, you know- do you think I might be a vampire?
RJD: Do you bite people?
LG: Only my brother- that’s when he tries to steal my Barbie dolls.
The young mother notices her daughter engaged in conversation with the patient next to her.
YM: Oh, Becky, darling, leave the nice man alone.
LG: (loftily) I was only giving him some advice on vampires!
RJD: And much appreciated it was too.
The young mother looks at him and suddenly appears to be quite overcome and flustered.
YM: Oh my God! It’s Ronnie James Dio isn’t it?
RJD: Erm, yeah.
YM: Wow! I saw you in Rainbow down at, well, the Rainbow, last month! (smiles) Oh, you were awesome!
RJD: (smiles back, genuinely flattered by the complement) Thanks.
YM: (a little nervously) Erm, I was wondering- I wanted to ask you at the gig, but never got chance… Would you just, sign these for me?
The young mother whips up her T-shirt to reveal her rather ample cleavage, encased in a brassiere.
RJD: (a little taken aback) Erm, sure, okay… (pauses, fiddles in his pockets) You don’t have a pen, do you?
YM: Oh, no I don’t.
Ronnie James Dio, not wanting to disappoint such an, ahem, ardent fan, begins to ask people in the vicinity if they have a biro he could borrow. Eventually, after yielding no success, Becky gets fed up and walks over to the receptionist.
LG: Excuse me?
R: Yes, what can I do for you?
LG: Can I please borrow a pen?
R: Of course (hands her a biro) Whatever for? Are you doing the crossword?
LG: No (points to where her mother is seated) That woman wants that man sitting next to her to write on her boobies, and I thought I’d help out.
The receptionist puts her glasses on, and looks across at the woman in question.
R: (to Becky) Isn’t that your mother?
LG: (sighs, hides her forehead behind her hands in shame) I’m hoping I was adopted.
At this point, the receptionist calls Ronnie James Dio for his appointment, which he heads for in the direction of the doctor’s room, a Dr. Murray who, judging by his puzzled expression, is one he does not recognise.
CUT TO:
SCENE TWENTY-EIGHT: A GP’s appointment room. The camera faces the door, which the audience sees open and Ronnie James Dio walk in. His face registers surprise and slight delight, at this point the camera pans across and we see that the Doctor Murray sitting in the chair wearing the obligatory white coat, is the woman Ronnie James Dio had an unfortunate encounter with all those years ago (well, alright, one) in a back street café, that Jimmy Bain felt compelled to loudly point out had breasts.
WM: Hello there, Mister… (looks down at her notes) Ronald Padavona, am I correct?
RJD: Yeah, that’s right (pauses) Please, call me Ronnie. (checks himself)
WM: (sudden concern) Are you alright? (pauses, then laughs) Well, bit of a silly question, given that you’re here. I meant that you seem a bit… taken aback, shall we say?
RJD: It’s just I’ve never seen you here before.
WM: Oh, (holds out her hand) Dr. Wendy Murray.
RJD: (shakes her hand) Nice to meet you. (keeps smiling, a bit like someone who has just overdosed on Prozac.)
WM: (after about thirty seconds of this, begins to giggle) Okay, you can let go now.
RJD: (embarrassed) Sorry. (lets her hand go)
WM: (sits back down and gestures towards a chair) Take a seat.
Ronnie James Dio does as he’s told.
WM: (looks at her notes again) Right- I see your last doctor prescribed you some vitamin E tablets?
RJD: That’s right- to reduce my memory loss.
WM: And how is that working out?
RJD: Well- not particularly well, to be honest. I’ve cut down on all the other things that are supposed to aggravate it; caffeine and alcohol (quietly) Well, most of the time (normal volume once again) so it can’t be any of those things, either.
WM: (her expression changes to consternation as she runs her finger along her notes) Hmm, I see… (starts to scribble things down)
RJD: (looking slightly worried) Anything the matter?
WM: Could you just remove your shirt please, Ronnie?
RJD: W… wh… why? Is it about my scar?
WM: (jocularly) Nah- I just wanted to admire your pectorals…
Ronnie James Dio appears quite shocked (and a little pleased) until he realises Wendy Murray is smiling humorously.
WM: Why do you think? (smiles) Sorry, (coughs with embarrassment) med. sarcasm doesn’t always translate well.
RJD: Honestly, your bedside manner is appalling!
WM: (with indignation) Hey! My bedside manner isn’t what interests most men… Anyway- if I can just examine that scar.
Ronnie James Dio unnecessarily points out where the large, still raw and weeping scar is. Wendy Murray begins to prod and poke and it with an orange stick, much to Ronnie James Dio’s chagrin, as he keeps wincing in pain.
WM: Hmm (to Ronnie James Dio) Do you keep picking at it?
RJD: No- I don’t touch it at all. I’m even careful not to scrub at it in the shower!
WM: Well, it looks fresh- as though somehow it keeps reopening… (looks up at Ronnie James Dio) It isn’t refusing to heal as such, it just isn’t getting the chance.
RJD: So, what should I do- put a dressing over it?
WM: That might be a good idea. It’ll prevent any stray fingers…
RJD: I told you, I really haven’t touched it since 1975- except to wash it and put antiseptic cream on it. (pause) Or Bonjella gum ointment if I’m on tour.
WM: (incredulously) Gum ointment?
RJD: Our first aid kit on the road consists of gum ointment, a gauze bandage, half a tube of Deep Heat muscle rub, two sachets of diarrhoea salts, a Nurse’s hat, and that’s about it.
WM: (glances at her notes once more) I see… (pulls out a prescription booklet and begins to scribble on it) Right (pulls off a leaf of the booklet and hands it to Ronnie James Dio) Go and collect these- take them twice a day.
Ronnie James Dio looks at the prescription with an expression of confusion.
RJD: But these are oestrogen tablets.
WM: Yup- a deficit in such hormones can lead to memory loss.
RJD: Okay… (pauses) This may sound like a stupid question, but will I end up with breasts?
WM: It’s very unlikely.
RJD: But possible?
WM: Just come back to see me if you get any adverse side effects.
RJD: Oh, alright (to himself) A bra would really ruin the line of my shirts.
WM: (teases) Ah, “vanity, vanity, all is vanity”, as they say.
RJD: Well, in my line of work, you have to make the best of what you’ve got
Ronnie James Dio pauses, stops himself from continuing to discuss his job in Rainbow. Wendy Murray notices this.
WM: Hmm, modesty- I like that in a man. (hands Ronnie James Dio another business card)
RJD: What’s this?
WM: My number- call me.
RJD: What, if I get any effects?
WM: I was kinda hoping you’d call me if you didn’t.
RJD: (blushes) Oh, right- okay.
Ronnie James Dio grins sheepishly, then suddenly hits upon an idea.
RJD: Actually, you couldn’t do me a favour, could you?
WM: Depends on what it is- (crosses her legs) shoot. (pauses) Metaphorically speaking, of course.
RJD: Could you come and take a look at my friend? He’s in a really bad way, and I’m quite worried.
WM: Sure (grabs her coat) You were my last patient for the day before I went off duty.
CUT TO:
SCENE TWENTY-NINE: Tony Carey’s bedroom. He is lying in the aforementioned bed, pale and sweating. Jimmy Bain and Cozy Powell are also sat around him, looking concerned. Well, when they aren’t prodding him awake, anyway.
TC: (paling) Urgh, I need water! (pauses) Please.
Cozy Powell passes his a glass of water and puts the rim to Tony Carey’s lips. At this point, Ronnie James Dio enters, followed by Dr. Wendy Murray, carrying an old-fashioned looking medical kit.
WM: (to Jimmy Bain and Cozy Powell) Could you step back, please? (to Tony Carey) Hello, I’m a doctor, I’m here to help you- can you tell me your name, please?
TC: (not paying any attention, and acting quite out of character) Dirty, it’s all dirty, they’re all dirty… infecting me…
Wendy Murray begins to examine Tony Carey, who is incredulous.
TC: (to Ronnie James Dio) Who is this? What is she doing grabbing my… (sudden shock) Whoa!
RJD: She’s my doctor- now be nice, or she might not warm her stethoscope first.
WM: (laughs) Very funny Ronnie, (pauses mid-examination) Say, there’s that new restaurant opening on Gloucester Road tonight- my friend is doing the P.R. for it- do you fancy going?
RJD: Sure, that sounds great.
Tony Carey, Jimmy Bain and Cozy Powell look astounded. Wendy Murray continues her examination, until finally, she looks up at Tony Carey.
WM: Well, it appears at first glance to be some sort of rare foreign disease- such as Rabies, except there are no symptoms of hydrophobia. (pauses, then checks inside her medical kit) I’ll have to go back to my car and get a syringe for a blood sample for further analysis. (to Tony Carey) Is that okay, Tony?
TC: (appearing more lucid) Yeah, as long as you don’t take an arm’s worth.
WM: (laughs) Oh, there’ll be no need for that. I’ll be back in a minute.
Wendy Murray exits the room, leaving Tony Carey, Jimmy Bain and Cozy Powell to interrogate Ronnie James Dio.
TC: Bloody hell! I get diagnosed with a possible tropical disease from a doctor and Ronnie gets a possible shag! Where’s the justice in that?
RJD: Now, Tony, you’re being a bit premature…
CP: (nudging Ronnie James Dio) So, you sly old dog, when did this happen?
TC: (affronted) Oi! I could be dying here, and all you can do is talk about Ronnie’s potential fuck buddies!
JB: (ignoring him) So, what’s her name?
RJD: (smiling in one of those irksome lovesick ways) Wendy.
JB: Wendy? As in ‘House’?
RJD: (missing the joke) No, as in ‘Murray’.
CP: (interrupting) You haven’t answered my question yet- where did you two meet?
RJD: I recognise her from a café we were both in last year, before you were in the band. But the first time I properly met her was today- she took my blood pressure.
TC: Well, I’ve never heard it called that before!
JB: What was it?
RJD: What was what?
JB: Your blood pressure?
RJD: Oh- normal, I think.
JB: Even with the white coat? (whistles) That’s impressive- I would doubt any man’s ability to withstand that- especially yours.
RJD: Oh, credit me with some self-control, Jimmy!
JB: (thinks hard) Hmm, I’m trying, I really am… but I’m running into extreme difficulties.
RJD: (sarcastically) Oh, hardee har har.
Suddenly, Tony Carey grips the sides of his bed in horror.
TC: Erm, guys? I suddenly feel a bit odd…
Tony Carey goes an unhealthy shade of green-white and begins to speak, raspingly, in tongues.
TC: Abba est omnium malorum… est omnium malorum… est omnium malorium… malorium…
CP: My God! What’s happening to him?
JB: (scratches his head) Erm, (feebly) I suppose any theory connecting Tony’s behaviour to sitting on a drawing pin is lame and, overall, pretty tenuous?
Wendy Murray re-enters the room with a sterile looking box containing transfusion equipment. She looks across at Tony Carey and is shocked by what she sees.
WM: (to the rest of the people in the room) Good God! How long has he been like this?
RJD: A few minutes, maybe? It was very sudden.
JB: I’ll say! I’ve had longer warnings from sneezes!
Wendy Murray moves closer to Tony Carey in order to further examine him. He shrinks from her touch to the point of looking furious with her for invading his space. At this point, as Wendy Murray attempts to pacify him by means of a sedative, his hand shoots out and grabs her throat, tightly enough for her breathing to be constricted.
TC: (to a rather frightened Wendy Murray) He’s coming for me! He’s going to finish us all- we’re doomed, I tells you- doomed!
WM: (in a nervous voice) Great, that’s just lovely, now please let me go before I lose consciousness for lack of oxygen.
RJD: (pushes past the others to get to Wendy Murray and Tony Carey) Let her go, Tony!
Tony Carey suddenly lets go of Wendy Murray, who gasps for breath. At this point, he sits up suddenly in his bed and slowly points an index finger at Ronnie James Dio, horror-struck.
TC: I can see! I see it all!
CP: (sarcastically) Fantastic- can you see you’re acting like an arse?
TC: (paying no attention, continues to address Ronnie James Dio) The darkness is eating you, bit by bit he is devoured by a lustful being intent on making you their slave!
Jimmy Bain looks across accusingly at Wendy Murray, his arms folded.
WM: (shrugs her shoulders) What?
TC: (to Ronnie James Dio) Escape, escape my child, escape…
Suddenly, Tony Carey’s eyes widen and he struggles for breath. After a few seconds of making phlegmy, choking noises, he collapses on the bed.
RJD: (stamps his foot in the manner of a child) How many more times? I’m older than you!
WM: (as she examines Tony Carey’s pulse and checks his heartbeat with her stethoscope) He’s… he’s dead.
CP: Whoa!
RJD: (tiredly) Oh, not another one!
JB: How many is that then? (counts on his fingers) Four? (pauses) I’m starting to think that SAS service might have been a safer career option than joining this band.
The camera pans across to a far corner of the room- in the dusky light of the nearby window, a figure in black can be seen, his arms folded, laughing evilly (and yet inconspicuously)
To Be Continued…