The Guitarist that Ate My Band- Part Three

By Loopy Lam

The Story So Far: After the disintegration (and decomposition) of the remnants of Elf, all seemed calm on the Blackmore front. Then, as suddenly as a very sudden thing that occurs suddenly, Tony Carey finds himself the victim of a rare, unspecified disease and dies within the day. With Ritchie Blackmore now wondering who to hire as a new keyboardist for the second time in as many years, the rest of the band members have now found their time has been freed up for more extra-curricular activities…

Principle Cast:

(as before, but with the following additions)

David Stone- Robin Askwith

Guest (in order of appearance):

Waitress- Jennifer Aniston

Roadie- Bruce Willis

Nurse #1- Alicia Silverstone

Nurse #2- Hattie Jacques

Scene Thirty: A quiet suburban street at night. The legend ‘1977’ appears, once again in obligatory red type, then disappears. Ronnie James Dio and Wendy Murray are walking arm in arm along the dingy London street that contrasts their happy ease. They are smartly dressed and it is clear that they have been out all evening.

RJD: (laughing, to Wendy Murray) …so, the grasshopper says “What, you’ve got a cocktail named Leonard?”

WM: (groans with amusement) Oh, that is so awful!

RJD: (with mock indignation) Oh come on! It’s a classic!

WM: (shakes her head and smiles) Whatever you say, Ronnie.

RJD: (sighs happily) It’s been a nice night, hasn’t it?

WM: (teasingly) what, you mean weather wise?

RJD: No, (looks at her) I mean, I’ve had a good time. Good food, nice walk, (turns to look Wendy Murray in the eye) great company.

WM: (giggles in that annoyingly coy way women on first dates seem to do) Yeah, I’ve enjoyed it too. It’s been so nice to have an evening where we could just, you know, talk and get to know each other a bit better, without any interruptions… (pauses in thought) Well, except when that guy came up to you and asked you to sign his Rainbow tattoo.

RJD: (frowns) Yeah- it would have been nice if he’d mentioned it was on his left buttock before I agreed to it.

WM: (laughs with the memory) You were ever such a good sport about it, though.

RJD: (smiling) Ah, but I have a beautiful woman to impress.

WM: (looks around) Where?

Ronnie James Dio takes her hand in his and grins in that sickly way newly dating people do.

RJD: You know who I mean…

Ronnie James Dio leans over to kiss Wendy Murray, but she puts her hand between the two of them, teasingly keeping her distance.

WM: Ronnie, my dear, flattery will get you everywhere.

Wendy Murray moves her hand and kisses Ronnie James Dio back. They walk along in comfortable silence for a while, until they both stop outside a house. They look at each other intently, but bashfully, neither of them quite sure what would be an appropriate goodbye gesture, yet neither of them really wanting to leave.

WM: So (smoothes her skirt down with her hands), do you wanna come in…

RJD: (finishes her sentence) For coffee? Sure.

WM: (looks down at the floor for a moment in embarrassment) Erm, actually, I was thinking more of for loud, obnoxious animal sex, but I have mugs.

RJD: (thinks about these options for a moment) Can I have both?

WM: (pulls at Ronnie James Dio’s shirt lapels) Depends which you want first.

Ronnie James Dio and Wendy Murray enter her house, giggling, and close the door behind them. The camera pans across to a nearby lamppost and sure enough, cloaked in shadows, stands Ritchie Blackmore. He looks surprisingly pale and haggard. He looks up at the top floor of Wendy Murray’s house, shakes his head and sighs, before staggering off in the opposite direction. 

CUT TO:

Scene Thirty-One: Ritchie Blackmore’s house. It is a fairly normal looking house, except there are more cats in it than any stereotypical elderly lady’s cottage bungalow. And they are all black. Cozy Powell is sitting on the sofa, looking fairly relaxed, whilst stroking a nearby pussy (narf- oh come on, how could I not?). Ritchie, on the other hand, is looking very pale and sickly. His teacup rattles as he lifts it to his lips.

CP: Are you alright, Ritchie? You seem a bit, well, off colour, to tell you the truth.

RB: (under his breath) Blood. Precious, inspiring blood. I need sustenance- I’ve already utilised the riff from ‘Smoke On the Water’ for three different song attempts this week! It’s that nuisance of a girlfriend of his- I can’t get him alone anymore, and I don’t want to blow my cover…

CP: (swallows a mouthful of tea) Sorry, what was that?

RB: (panicky) Erm… Fudd! That’s it- Elmer Fudd- Oh, how I’ve missed those cartoons. That hat, the mocking of speech impediments and the comedy gained from watching a bald man with an insane bloodlust attempt to brutally disembowel a wisecracking rabbit every week. (chortles) Now, that’s comedy.

CP: (looking slightly concerned) Okaaay.

There is a momentary silence.

CP: (changing the subject) So, wanna watch the footy?

RB: (switches in the TV) Sure.

The TV flickers into life. A snowy picture appears- it is a football match between Aston Villa and Chelsea. A commentary is spoken over the action by David Coleman, the famously incompetent sports commentator.

DC: …and just look at those plucky young men- you can literally se the adrenaline pumping through their blood as these crucial penalty kicks take place…

RB: (starts to grip the sides of his sofa in a frenzy) Blood?… Blood?

CP: (lifts his head up slightly) Are you sure you’re alright, Ritchie? You seem very preoccupied with haemoglobin and leukocytes at the moment- far too much than is healthy, I’d wager.

RB: (snaps) I’m fine! Just fine!

CP: (raises his palms in an action of surrendering) Fine, but if you suddenly have a clutcher, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

RB: (looks out of the window as dramatic music begins to build in crescendo) I’m running out of time… Soon, soon I will hatch a deviously evil plot to regain my creativity… through Ronnie’s blood, even if I have to finish off that wench of his! Ah, ha, ha, ha, haaaa!

Cozy Powell suddenly prods Ritchie Blackmore in the arm.

CP: (to Ritchie Blackmore) Here, do you want another beer?

RB: Sure, cheers. (Looks out of window again) I’ll do it, I will be triumphant! (pause) After the footy game. (pause) If Villa lose.

CUT TO:

Scene Thirty-Two: A typical local pub. Jimmy Bain is sitting at a table near the door, drinking his last of countless pints of beer that are now littering said table, though he is still sober. A waitress walks past to collect the glasses on his table, looks at the mound, and thinks again. She returns a few minutes later with a wheelable trolley and begins to pile the glasses onto it. At this point, a flustered looking Ronnie James Dio dashes into the establishment and sits opposite Jimmy Bain, who points at his watch in mock derision.

JB: (to RJD) You took your time- where have you been?

RJD: (gasping, for he is quite out of breath) Sorry, I was tied up.

JB: (raises an eyebrow) but enough about your sex life.

RJD: (non-plussed) What?

JB: (waves his hand dismissively) Never mind.

RJD: What did you want to see me about?

JB: Have you seen Ritchie lately?

RJD: No- he phoned me a few days ago to remind me about the last tour dates we’re doing before recording the next album. How about you?

JB: Oh, I passed him in the street a few times- he really isn’t looking himself.

RJD: (raises his eyebrows) How do you mean?

JB: He’s really pale and sickly looking, like rock’s answer to Tiny Tim. My first thoughts, naturally, being perhaps we should club together and buy him a turkey.

RJD: Very funny, Jimmy. So, he’s really ill?

JB: Seems that way. Cozy went to visit him, said he was really out of sorts- even for Ritchie. (pauses) Maybe he’s next.

RJD: Next?

JB: (downs his pint) Yeah, the curse of Rainbow- there’s only you and Ritchie left out of the original line up now. I’m figuring one of you is up for a bizarre death soon.

RJD: (shudders) Ooh, don’t joke about those kind of things!

JB: Hey, lighten up- I’m sure he’ll be fine. (changes subject) So, you and Wendy are getting on well, I take it?

RJD: (grins) Yeah- I’m going to ask Ritchie if she can come on tour with us- well, me.

JB: (laughs) That’ll go down well- added expenses and all. Mind you, judging by that time last month we went to Majorca together, I bet it’d be cheaper than the ‘phone bill.

RJD: (smiles) True. (pauses) Y’know, I think this could be something big.

JB: The tour?

RJD: No, I mean Wendy and I.

JB: Well, I wish you every luck in it, Ronnie. (pauses) Especially with Ritchie.

CUT TO:

Scene Thirty-Three: Ritchie Blackmore’s house, again. He is in heated conversation with Ronnie James Dio. The camera pans between them as they each have their say, leaning at opposite ends of a table, which has a doily and dried flower arrangement on it.

RB: No. Absolutely not.

RJD: But Ritchie…

RB: (interrupting) It’s far too expensive, for one. Plus, she’ll be a constant distraction.

RJD: I’m still a professional, girlfriend or no. And, as Jimmy pointed out to me last night, it’ll be cheaper than the telephone bill I’d incur calling Wendy all the time. (grins at Ritchie Blackmore) And wouldn’t it be useful to have someone with medical experience- a fully qualified doctor- on tour with us?

RB: (relents) Alright, you make a good point. (pauses, points at Ronnie James Dio) But I’m not paying her.

RJD: Aww, thanks Ritchie- hey, maybe she could take a look at you now- you seem a little peaky.

RB: Nonsense, I’m fine. (pauses) Where is she, anyway?

RJD: In your living room, chatting to your missus.

RB: (barely concealing his chagrin) I see- well, that’s just lovely. (sotto) There’s no way of getting close enough to feed- that blasted woman’s made it impossible. I’ve got to think of an alternative way- I’ve got to use my charm, wit and skill.

RJD: (to Ritchie Blackmore) Who were you whispering to?

RB: Oh, no one, just thinking aloud.

Ronnie James Dio mouths and ‘ahh’ in understanding, then proceeds to unbutton his shirtsleeves.

RB: Tell me, Ronnie, have you ever given blood?

RJD: (raises his eyebrows) What, willingly?

RB: I mean as a blood donor.

RJD: Hmm, can’t say I remember having ever done such a thing…

RB: Well, I’ve seen they’re doing it around here- (raises eyebrows) I’ve heard Wendy mention it a few times- it would be a very noble thing for us, as a band, to do.

RJD: (laughs) What, us lot? Between us, we’ve probably got enough narcotics of varying forms in our blood to provide a small African tribe mineral extraction jobs for the next ten years. I’m sure the Blood Donor Organisation are just a little bit more picky.

RB: They’re called The National Blood Donor Service, Ronnie.

RJD: Yeah, whatever (points at Ritchie Blackmore). My point still stands.

RB: (teasingly) Afraid of needles, Ronnie?

RJD: (glowers slightly) Depends what they’re attached to.

RB: Well, I think it would be a nice idea for us all to get involved, you know, just next time they’re in town.

Ritchie Blackmore looks tellingly at the camera, which pans across to Ronnie James Dio’s puzzled expression

CUT TO:

Scene Thirty-Four: Ronnie James Dio’s bachelor pad once again. It is the same as before with its mismatching three piece set and baseball bat, except a few more feminine items have crept in, such as a handbag, some photographs of Ronnie James Dio and Wendy Murray, and a random bunch of flowers. Ronnie James Dio is sitting with Jimmy Bain, they are both drinking coffee.

RJD: …and then he suggested that we should all get involved.

JB: (raises his eyebrows dubiously) Blood donors? Us lot? Surely our blood’s going to be about as clean as Nixon’s record?

RJD: Yup, we both know that- it seems all very, very odd…

JB: (nods in agreement) Oh, can I just use your bathroom? I’m dying for a slash.

RJD: Sure, go ahead (teasingly) just try to curb your medicine cabinet fetish.

JB: Har hardee har har!

Jimmy Bain gets up from the chair and goes off camera to the bathroom. A few moments pass and he returns to where Ronnie James Dio is stirring randomly at his cup of coffee.

JB: (changing the subject) So, when you commented last night that you and Wendy are getting on remarkably well, you really meant it, huh?

RJD: Yeah… (pauses dubiously) Wait a minute- how have you suddenly reached this new conclusion?

JB: (shrugs his shoulders) I found a packet of sanitary towels in the airing cupboard. I figured they weren’t yours- unless you’ve been keeping a really big secret from us all.

RJD: (jokingly) Well… nah- I guess Wendy has been staying here a lot, and I’ve been round hers a fair bit too (pauses) hang on a second- Jimmy! What did I tell you about…?

JB: (raises his palms in mild rebuke) Hey! You said ‘medicine cabinet’. I didn’t hear one word about the airing cupboard.

RJD: (shakes his head) you really are a frustrated presented of ‘Through the Keyhole’

JB: (taps his fingers together) I’ve yet to obtain my ‘coup de grace’ of bathrooms yet. As soon as Ritchie decides on that tour meeting at his, I’ll be there.

RJD: (holds his head in his hand and shakes his head, laughing) I’ve no doubt that you will, too.

At this point, a key is clearly audible turning in the lock. Heels click up the steps and the living room door opens. The audience sees Wendy Murray standing in the doorway with some grocery shopping.

WM: Hey Ronnie, (leans over and plants a kiss on his lips) I thought I’d get some milk and stuff in- saw we were running out of a few things- and I wanted to pick up my blouse.

RJD: Off out tonight?

WM: Yeah- just with a few friends.

RJD: (points in the direction of another room) It’s on the washing line- I had a bunch of laundry to do, so I figured I might as well. If you give me half an hour, I’ll iron it for you.

WM: Oh, thanks Ron- if you could drop it off at work for me, that’d be great. (notices Jimmy Bain) Oh, hey Jimmy, how are you doing?

JB: (struggling to hide his shock) Erm, fine, thanks. And yourself?

WM: Great!

Wendy Murray walks into the kitchen, but is still conducting a conversation with Jimmy Bain whilst she is off camera.

WM: (off camera) Did you get that health check I told you about, by the way?

JB: Yeah, I’m supposed to be getting the results back in a few days.

WM: (off camera) What’s the prognosis thus far?

JB: Not sure. (pause) They seemed rather puzzled by some of my reflex action.

WM: (off camera) Such as?

JB: The hammer thing I think was the worst- you know, when they tap your knee joint with a little ball hammer?

WM: (off camera) Oh, the “knee-jerk” reflex test? What happened?

JB: Well, nothing. That was what confused the doctor, I think. Then, after the health check was over and I was about to leave the room, my knee jerked all of a sudden.

Wendy Murray returns from off camera into the living room.

WM: (to Jimmy Bain) Hmm, that is odd. Maybe the tests will show up any nervous problems…

JB: (indignant) Hey, I don’t have a problem with nerves!

WM: No, (smiles) maybe just a problem with the lack of them. (kisses Ronnie Jams Dio) I’ll see you later. (to Jimmy Bain) Bye, Jimmy.

JB: (waves his hand) See you later.

Wendy Murray exits the room and the click of a door lock indicates she has left the house. Ronnie James Dio is left with Jimmy Bain staring incredulously at him.

RJD: What?

JB: She has keys?

RJD: Yeah, what of it?

JB: (with a mixed expression of horror and disgust) She has keys and you do her ironing?

RJD: (indignant) One shirt!

JB: And you?

RJD: I have a set of keys to her apartment, if that is what you’re implying.

JB: Wow, (laughs) anyone would think you were planning to marry her!

Jimmy Bain continues to snigger, until he catches a glimpse of Ronnie James Dio’s ardent glare, whereupon he suddenly stops.

JB: You mean you’ve considered…

There is a pause.

RJD: (in a sudden outburst) Alright! I’ve picked out an engagement ring already!

JB: (shocked) Fuck! (pause) Well, what with Ritchie’s strange illness, perhaps you could save money by having the wedding ceremony bundled in with the funeral.

RJD: Jimmy! That is in such bad taste! (pauses for a moment) Hey, do you think they do that?

JB: I’d imagine there’s a line for it in Las Vegas.

CUT TO:

Scene Thirty-Five: A tour bus. The entire Rainbow band, plus roadies and, of course, Wendy Murray, are sitting in various parts of the bus. Ritchie Blackmore is about to address them, but Ronnie James Dio is looking nervous and keeps fiddling in his pockets.

WM: (to Ronnie James Dio) Are you okay? You seem a little distracted.

RJD: Hmm? Oh, I’m fine, really.

WM: (puts her arms around Ronnie James Dio) I must say, you seem so much healthier that you did when I first met you- you’ve got colour in your cheeks, your scar doesn’t weep so much- though it still hasn’t healed- and you don’t faint half as much.

RJD: (smiles) It must be love, hey?

Ritchie Blackmore stands at the front of the tour bus, still pale, and begins to speak to the group.

RB: Okay everyone, we’ll be approaching California soon for the third American show and I want us to stop at the local hospital.

Cozy Powell raises his hand.

CP: Why?

RB: Because, they’re looking for blood donors.

CP: (smirks) What, us? We’ve got more pollution in our blood than…

RB: (stamps his foot) I have already discussed this with everyone! We are doing it, and that’s that!

CP: Jeez, what’s eaten him?

WM: Dunno- he’s been funny all tour (suddenly notices a mark on Jimmy Bain’s neck) Jimmy, what’s that?

JB: (looks down) Hmm, dunno- can’t remember. Maybe Ronnie’s just had an infectious disease all along and now I’ve got it.

RJD: What kind of disease just gives you a random lesion?

JB: (indignantly) Well, I dunno! I’m not a doctor!

There is a lengthy pause. They all look at Wendy Murray expectantly.

WM: (after a pause) Cutaneous leishmaniasis, the protist found in tropical climates, alright- so what! (pause) But if something like that was the case, why haven’t any of the rest of the band got it? And why did it take three years to spread from one person to another?

CP: But why is it corresponding to Ritchie’s sudden illness? Perhaps we do have this virus on our hands.

WM: (corrects him) Protist. But anyway, the symptoms are all wrong, save for the localised lesion.

They all fall quite in contemplation. Ronnie James Dio is still fiddling nervously in his pockets, occasionally glancing at Wendy Murray. Suddenly, the bus stops.

RB: (excitedly) We’re here!

RJD: What, at the venue?

RB: The blood donor place, my dear boy.

RJD: (plaintively) I’m older… Oh, forget it!

JB: (grabs Ronnie James Dio’s arm and whispers at him) Why the Hell is Ritchie so excited about this? I’m starting to feel that this whole altruistic excursion is just a little bit suspect.

CUT TO:

Scene Thirty-Six: A school gym hall that has been converted to a blood donation centre, with the obligatory rows of camp beds and plasma bags. Over in a corner, Ritchie Blackmore and his Roadie are having words.

Roadie: So, did you try him?

RB: (sighs with frustration) It was like drinking pure ethanol!

Roadie: (laughs wheezingly) Bloody Scotsmen! (pause) What are you going to do now?

RB: (raises an eyebrow enigmatically) Why do you think I’m here?

They both look in the direction of a very nervous Ronnie James Dio, sitting with the rest of the band on benches, waiting to have their blood tested.

CUT TO:

Scene Thirty-Seven: Exactly the same as scene thirty-six, except the camera is on the rest of the band, doing pretty much what they were doing at the end of the last scene.

JB: (pats Ronnie James Dio in the knee in a jocular manner) Are you alright, Ron?

RJD: (nervously jangles his pockets) Yeah, fine.

CP: (teasingly) He’s scared of needles.

RJD: (stares at him dangerously) I’m not!

David Stone: It’s okay Ronnie, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Cozy Powell and Jimmy Bain stop suddenly.

CP: (points to David Stone) Who’s this?

DS: Oh, sorry, forgot my manners- I really should have introduced myself when I started the tour (holds out his hand) David Stone, new keyboardist.

RJD: (to Cozy Powell and Jimmy Bain) You know how Ritchie likes to keep us informed on such matters.

JB: (to David Stone) Are you saying you’ve been here since the start of this leg of the tour?

DS: Yeah- we got pissed and you tried to life me out of the window of my hotel room by the seat of my underpants, remember?

Jimmy Bain looks at David Stone blankly.

CP: (to David Stone) Don’t worry, he doesn’t remember much.

DS: (raises his eyebrows) Why, does he have medical memory loss problems?

RJD: Yeah- he forgets how much he’s drunk and then they have to pump his stomach at the local hospital…

JB: Oh, har har. (teasingly) This is coming from the man who can’t remember half the things that have gone on in Rainbow since he joined.

RJD: (indignant) Hey! (pauses in contemplation) Ah, well, you’ve got a point really.

Ronnie James Dio goes back to fiddling nervously in his pockets. The rest of the congregation have noticed.

CP: (stares at Ronnie James Dio’s crotch for a moment) You know, you can get a cream for that on prescription.

RJD: What? (notices his hand movements) Oh, no- it’s nothing to do with that!

JB: Then why the face like a hedgehog about to consummate his marriage?

Ronnie James Dio balks slightly at this last phrase, Jimmy Bain picks up on this.

JB: (smiles smugly) Ahh, I see… (whispers) Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.

RJD: (narrows his eyes) Tell anyone what?

JB: That you’re scared of needles.

RJD: (vexed) I’m not! (quietly) I’m scared of rejection.

CP: (having overheard, replies far too loudly) Rejection? Ronnie, you’re giving blood, not getting a transplant, and who the Hell cares if they don’t want your blood? At least you’ve done your bit.

RJD: (hisses) For Christ’s sake! Not that kind of rejection, guys!

Though Ronnie James Dio attempts to indoctrinate some sense of decorum and discreteness into Jimmy Bain and Cozy Powell’s interrogation, they remain hopelessly oblivious to it.

CP: Well, what kind then?

JB: Yeah!

WM: (to Ronnie James Dio, with a cute smile) I have to admit, Ronnie, my curiosity is piqued now, too.

Ronnie James Dio appears close to breaking point. Sure enough, he snaps.

RJD: Okay, okay!

Ronnie James Dio pulls a small box out of his pocket and gets down on one knee. As he does this, a trolley containing a patient who went in for a routine donation but clearly has not taken it well, emerges and rushes past Ronnie James Dio as he speaks.

RJD: (takes a deep breath and says very quickly) Wendy, I love you and I want you to marry me!

WM: (gasps) Aww, that’s so lovely- I’ll do it!

As Ronnie James Dio puts the ring on Wendy Murray’s finger, a random man staggers past, with blood spurting from a tube in his arm.

Random Man: Erm, nurse? You said you’d remove the tubing- I think I’m going to need my donated blood back soon!

The random man passes out.

CP: (laughs) Jeez Ron, you couldn’t have thought of anywhere more romantic to propose? Like the local morgue perhaps?

RJD: (indignantly) You lot were making me nervous! I wanted to wait until we got to Long Island Beach, but I panicked.

CP: And went to the haemophilic attempt.

Jimmy Bain looks blankly at Wendy Murray and Ronnie James Dio.

CP: (to Jimmy Bain) Well, aren’t you going to congratulate them?

JB: Eh? What do you mean?

RJD: I just proposed and Wendy accepted!

JB: Oh, so I did hear correctly- I first thought you really said ‘I’ve got buffed shoes, and want you to parry me’.

CP: Erm, Jimmy, that is garbled nonsense.

JB: I know that now, but at the time it made sense.

RJD: Jimmy, have you been sneaking whiskey into the donor area?

JB: Hey, why are you picking on me?

CP: Because your stash of alcohol is hidden, quite poorly, I might add, down the front of your trousers.

Jimmy Bain shrugs and pokes a straw into his fly zipper and proceeds to suck.

WM: (screws her face up in disgust) Urgh, that is foul!

A nurse approaches them, holding a clipboard.

Nurse #1: Mr. Padavona?

RJD: Here (stands up)

Nurse #1: (smiles genially) Would you just care to step this way please, sir?

CUT TO:

Scene Thirty Eight: Ronnie James Dio lying on a camp bed, with a nurse sitting next to him, instructing him through the donation process.

Nurse #1: Now then, Mr. Padavona. All you need to do is grip this (she hands him a piece of black rubber, similar in shape to a doorstop) until I tell you to stop.

RJD: Erm, okay.

Ronnie James Dio does as he’s told, and watches with a bizarre fascination as his veins start to show under his skin. The nurse sorts out the drip and pushes the needle into a vein in Ronnie James Dio’s elbow crease. He winces slightly, but quickly gets used to the discomfort. The nurse tapes up the blood bag, and it slowly starts to fill up with blood.

Nurse #1: There you go, if you’d just like to wait here, and I’ll come and sort you out later.

RJD: Okay, but (points at the drip) it’s hardly like I’m going to wander off anywhere, is it?

Nurse #1: (laughs) You’d be surprised.

The nurse leaves Ronnie James Dio, who sits there twiddling his thumbs. Meanwhile, the camera pans across to another nurse, but this one looks a little, well, masculine, I suppose…

CUT TO:

Scene Thirty-Nine: Ritchie Blackmore is in a public toilet, where he has just put on a nurse’s outfit he has managed to steal from somewhere. But this swaree is by no means a radical lifestyle change for the guitarist- Ritchie Blackmore has far more evil plans afoot…

RB: (pulls a surgical mask over his stubbly chin and admires himself in the mirror) Ah, the perfect disguise.

On inspection in the mirror, Ritchie Blackmore suddenly notices that his hairy, spindly legs are the only major give-away to his disguise, even though he does, not surprisingly, still merely resemble a man in drag.

RB: Hmm, one more thing…

He pulls out a pair of surgical stockings from his carrier bag and pulls them on, taking care not to get too many ladders in them.

RB: That’s better.

Ritchie Blackmore stuffs his normal clothes into the carrier bag, and walks off into the donor area.

CUT TO:

Scene Forty: Ritchie Blackmore, in full nurse’s attire, spots Ronnie James Dio lying down with a donor bag almost full, and so nonchalantly walks over to him.

RB: (in falsetto voice) Oh, time for a change, I see!

RJD: A change?

RB: Oh yes, this one’s fit to burst!

RJD: (suspiciously) I thought you only took one bag full per session?

RB: (founders) Ah, yes, well… (hits upon a decent excuse) These are in metric value, not empirical, so we have to account for that! (laughs too loudly)

RJD: Oh, okay then.

Ritchie Blackmore proceeds to change the bags around and fit the tubing as best as a man whose only contact with needles and intravenous drips would be the last time he came down with hepatitis (it’s true, so I’ve heard). He takes off with the other, now full bag, but is accosted by another nurse.

Nurse #2: Oh no, miss, the donor bags go over here.

She takes the bag from Ritchie Blackmore, but he wrestles it off her.

RB: No, I can take it.

Nurse #2: (fiercely) No, that’s my job!

Nurse #2 wins the mental fight, and Ritchie Blackmore gives up the bag. He storms off in chagrin, leaving Ronnie James Dio lying on the bed with yet another pint of his blood being donated.

CUT TO:

Scene Forty-One: Our favourite blood-red font spells out the phrase ‘One Hour Later’. At this point, Wendy Murray walks across to where Ronnie James Dio has been lying down for quite some time now.

WM: (holds Ronnie James Dio’s hand) Are you okay there, love? You’ve been here quite a while.

RJD: (barely managing to lift up his head) Um… (points at the blood bag attached to his drip- it is three quarters full)

WM: Are you sure you’re okay…

Wendy Murray trails off. Suddenly, she hits upon the possible problem.

WM: Ronnie, how many of these bags have they taken from you?

RJD: Erm… (groggily) Seven-ish?

WM: (shocked and angry) Seven! (she looks around for a nurse)

The nurse that originally took Ronnie James Dio’s blood comes to check up on him, and is accosted by a very angry Wendy Murray.

WM: (to nurse, in anger) What is the meaning of this?

Nurse #1: I don’t know what you mean? I’ve just come back to take the blood bag away…

WM: How many have you taken away?

Nurse #1: None- this is the first time…

WM: Then why is he saying you’ve taken seven away?

Nurse #1: (looks horrified) We wouldn’t! It’s dangerous to remove more that one pint of…

WM: I’m fully aware of that- I am a qualified doctor, and I can also see the effects of severe blood loss are starting to affect him- he can barely sit up! Seven pints- he only makes seven litres a day!

Nurse #1: I’m terribly sorry miss…

WM: (eyes the nurse) Doctor Murray.

Nurse #1: Doctor Murray- I’m terribly sorry- I’ve no idea how this could have happened. Obviously we can’t get to Mr. Padavona’s own blood at the moment, but I’ll see to it that he gets an emergency transfusion from elsewhere.

WM: Perhaps I should go with you and make sure you get the right blood group!

The nurse leads Wendy Murray to the makeshift medical bay, and they wheel Ronnie James Dio there to try and replenish his blood supply. The camera pans across to Ritchie Blackmore, skulking evilly in the corner of the hall, albeit still dressed as a nurse.

RB: Ah, ha, ha, ha, haaaaa.

CUT TO:

Scene Forty-Two: Outside the Rainbow tour bus. Ritchie Blackmore is waiting, slightly too eagerly, as the rest of the band wander towards him.

RB: (rubs his hands in anticipation) So, how did it go?

JB: I didn’t get past the bit where they prick your ear and test the blood from it.

RB: Oh, why not?

CP: Something to do with high background levels of ethanol, I think.

JB: Well, I ask you- ‘Have you drunk alcohol in the past twenty four hours?’ Who wouldn’t answer in the negative?

RB: (smiles) Well, they do mention in the leaflet that you need to abstain for a day.

JB: (huffs) Well, if a tiny drop of alcohol makes my blood not good enough for them…

RB: (interrupts Jimmy Bain’s tirade) What about you, Ronnie?

RJD: Oh, okay (beams and looks across at Wendy Murray)

RB: (puzzled) Well, I’m glad you feel so pleased to have performed your duty…

RJD: Oh no, not that (looks across at Wendy Murray for some form of permission, she nods and smiles) – we’re getting married.

RB: Oh (with barely concealed chagrin) how lovely. (pauses in slight worry) When’s the date?

RJD: (shrugs) Dunno yet- I reckon it’ll be a small event.

WM: Yeah, I think so too.

RJD: (smiles at Wendy Murray) Just think, we’ll be able to spend even more time together than we do now!

WM: (with a slightly mocking grin) Hmm, we could- or, we could stay married.

Ronnie James Dio grins bashfully, then suddenly starts to look a bit dizzy. Wendy Murray grabs his hand and helps him to keep his balance. This prompts her to mention something to Ritchie Blackmore.

WM: I have to say, I was pretty disgusted by their training- the nurse that took Ronnie’s blood clearly didn’t have a clue. By the time I got to him, she’d made off with seven pints! That’s absolutely irresponsible! ‘Course, I had to sort it out. We got him an emergency transplant, but my god, it’ll take a lot of tea and biscuits to get him feeling A1 again.

RB: (sotto) I’ve got no time to lose- if I can just get his blood samples out of the donor van before the orderly comes back to drive them away… (normal voice, to Ronnie James Dio) Well, at least you’re alright now… here, Ronnie, what was your blood group, by the way?

RJD: (still holding Wendy Murray’s hand, mainly to keep himself from falling flat on his face) Well, if you’re really that interested- O negative, the most common blood group known to man. Almost fifty percent of the population has the same as me.

The camera pans across to Ritchie Blackmore looking mightily peeved.

RB: (sotto) Oh, bugger.

CUT TO:

Scene Forty-Three: A blood donor van trundling along the road at night. At a closer glance, there appears to be a figure clinging onto the roof- can you guess who it is, boys and girls? Yup, Mr. Blackmore is breaking into the van… whoops, he just has.

CUT TO:

Scene Forty-Four: Inside the blood donor van. Ritchie Blackmore is confronted by literally thousands of blood bags.

RB: Good God! Where do I start?

Ritchie Blackmore begins to open each blood bag and taste the contents, hoping to find Ronnie James Dio’s personal blood donation samples, which thanks to Ritchie Blackmore’s diligent disguises, would have taken up at least half a rack. For the purposes of not wasting the blood so desperately needed by ill people all over the world, Ritchie Blackmore seals each bag up after he discards it as being non-Ronnie. So he’s not all evil.

RB: (after tasting each ‘bad’ blood bag) No, nope, uh uh, no, eurgh! That person must have so much earwax! No, erm… maybe, no…

This goes on for a good five minutes, until he finally finds the stash.

RB: Eureka!

At this point, Ritchie Blackmore looks for a quick getaway and hoists himself up, ‘Mission Impossible’ style, out of the donor van via the roof ventilation grate.

CUT TO:

Scene Forty-Five: Another hotel room. This time, Ritchie Blackmore is sneaking into his bathroom, in order to stash the blood bags he has pinched from the blood donor van in his medicine cabinet. Sadly for him, Jimmy Bain has been woken up from his usual drunken stupor by Ritchie’s nocturnal shenanigans and is now in search of the culprit.

JB: Who the fuck is making that racket? My head’s killing me!

Jimmy Bain chances upon Ritchie Blackmore’s room.

JB: Ritchie, is that you?

Ritchie Blackmore doesn’t answer him, so Jimmy Bain decided to walk in anyway. His face registers utter shock when he is confronted with the sight of Ritchie Blackmore stuffing seven bags of blood into his medicine cabinet.

RB: (unaware of Jimmy Bain’s presence) Ah, there we are- now that’s Ronnie’s blood, no doubt about it…

JB: (in shock interrupts Ritchie Blackmore’s meanderings and points a finger at him) You?… No wonder Ronnie’s wound has never healed

RB: (embarrassed) Jimmy, it isn’t what it looks like!

JB: (sarcastically) Funny, it looks like you’re currently stuffing seven bags of Ronnie’s blood that you’ve stolen from the blood donor van into your medicine cabinet.

RB: (pauses) Well, okay, so it is exactly what it looks like.

JB: It explains everything!

RB: (smiles humorously) no matter (pulls out a handful of intravenous drip tubing and handles it in the manner of a garrotte) I’ll make sure you remain silent on the issue.

Ritchie Blackmore advances towards a scared looking Jimmy Bain. Tense, atmospheric music builds up, and stops suddenly as Jimmy Bain opens a nearby drawer, pulls out a pair of scissors and cuts through the tubing hovering dangerously close to his neck. Whilst Ritchie Blackmore looks fit to explode in apocalyptic rage, Jimmy Bain makes his escape very quickly through the hotel bathroom window.

RB: (to the camera) One day, Jimmy, one day soon, when you least expect it- I will exact my revenge- and before you ever get a chance to spread the word of my nefarious plans- ah, ha, ha, ha, haaaaa!

Scene Forty-Six: A wedding reception. The words ‘Three Months Later’ appear on the screen. Yup, you guessed it, Ronnie James Dio is now married, and the new Wendy Dio is currently conversing with a troubled looking Jimmy Bain.

WD: What’s up Jimmy? You’re in a hotel with copious amounts of free booze and a bunch of Ronnie’s Catholic teenage cousins in bridesmaids attire- this is how you once described heaven to me.

JB: I’m in a quandary.

WD: Well, actually you’re in the Connecticut Hilton, but go on.

JB: (shrugs) Every time I try to explain it, I either think I’m going mad, convince myself it couldn’t have possibly happened, or find Ritchie distracting me in a rather conspicuous manner.

WD: (finishes her glass of champagne) Go on, I won’t laugh.

JB: It’s about Ritchie. Remember that time he was so keen for us all to donate blood?

WD: (grabs another glass of champagne from a passing waiter) Uh huh.

JB: Well, later that night, I noticed his hotel door was open, so I went inside to see if he was okay, and I saw…

At this point, a very drunk Cozy Powell crashes into the conversation, aided by David Stone, who although he can’t quite manage to keep Cozy Powell standing vertically, is doing a fine job of keeping him perpendicular.

CP: Alwhicsh? Howsh the blushingsh bridshe?

WD: (with knowing sarcasm) Fine Cozy, and how’s your liver?

CP: Owh (pats his stomach) It’ll shurvive. (looks around the room and staggers to keep his balance) Ehsh? Wheresh your newsh hushbby? Itsh a badsh shign if hesh off withsh the brideshmaidsh already.

WD: Oh yeah, I forgot that now we’re married we’re no longer allowed to have friends. (pauses, glances across the room) Actually, where is Ronnie? I haven’t seen him for a good few hours. (turns to Jimmy Bain, ironically being the most sober person there) Have you seen him?

JB: No, not since half-nine.

DS: What time is it now?

JB: (looks at his watch) Almost eleven.

Jimmy Bain’s expression registers sudden shock and horror.

JB: Shit!

WD: (concerned) Oh God, what’s the matter?

JB: Almost eleven- (pause) Last orders! See you in a bit!

Jimmy Bain rushes to the bar at a speed that would have put Linford Christie to shame, leaving Wendy Dio looking rather perplexed.

WD: (slightly distracted) Yeah, yeah… I’m just going to look for Ronnie- I’m getting a bit worried.

Wendy Dio gathers up her champagne glass and begins to wander purposefully around the room. On cue, Ronnie James Dio staggers out of a nearby door.

WD: (crossly tapping her foot) What have you been up to?

RJD: (opens his arms in passive submission) Nothing, I swear!

Jimmy Bain returns with his arms full of punch glasses- most of which are now empty- and nudges David Stone.

JB: Hey, you can tell they’re a proper married couple now, eh?

DS: (laughs) True (notices Jimmy Bain’s glasses) Where did you get the punch?

JB: Oh, it’s in the table near the bar (offers a glass in David Stone’s direction), want one?

DS: (puts out his hand and shakes his head) No thanks, I think I’ve had enough for tonight.

JB: (in mock indignation) Enough? Buddy, there’s no such thing when we’re on tour (laughs, takes a gulp of punch, then starts to cough violently)

DS: (with concern) Are you okay?

JB: (stops his impromptu coughing fit) Yeah, just went down the wrong way, I think.

DS: Well, you just be careful (jokingly), you know you can drown in just four inches of water, never mind a pint (pats Jimmy Bain on the back)

JB: Oh, har har.

The camera pans across to Wendy Dio and Ronnie James Dio, who appear to have got over their little tiff.

RJD: (holding Wendy Dio’s hands) So, how does it feel (pauses, smiles shyly) Mrs. Padavona?

Wendy Dio returns his smile and is about to reply, but is interrupted by Jimmy Bain collapsing into a nearby table, crashing through various glass champagne flutes, buffet plates and the like.

RJD: (on detecting the source of the disruption) Christ Jimmy, are you alright?

WD: (having bent down to check Jimmy Bain’s pulse) He’s dead! (pauses) He doesn’t half pick his moments.

RJD: (upset) Oh no! Jimmy! (kneels beside his friend)

As the congregation gather around in concern and worry, Wendy Dio notices an odd looking bottle near the punchbowl.

WD: (picks up the canister with gloved hands) Liquid cyanide?

At this point, dramatic music swells in crescendo as Wendy Dio spots Ritchie Blackmore moving swiftly away in the shadows…

End of Part Three! (Don’t worry, it’s almost over)