Official transcript for ‘The Dean Dragon Show’, episode 137, transmitted 12/04/02:

On Air 8:30PM- 10:00PM

Cue montage intro. Last minute change from the ‘cute children, newly weds and elderly ladies’ pre-record to the ‘generic photo-shoot’ one, on account that the former should really be restricted to ‘family reunion’ and ‘cheating partner’ themed editions.

Cut to studio:

DEAN DRAGON:  Hello and welcome to another edition of ‘The Dean Dragon Show’ with me, Dean. Now, tonight we’re looking at a subject very dear to my heart. As many of you will no doubt be aware, I did a stint in the Eighties as a mascot, fronting Dio, a well-known heavy metal band of the time. Now, my first guest is in the very same shoes I once stood in, having recently fronted their latest album cover for ‘Killing the Dragon’ (laughs) hope it doesn’t provoke a trend.

Audience laughter.

DEAN: And is already on tour, providing ample backdrop to their music. So, please welcome to the show, Daniel!

Audience applause.

Daniel sheepishly enters the studio and sits down on the chair next to Dean.

DEAN: (sits facing his guest) So, Daniel, you’ve just started in the whole mascot business?

DANIEL: Yeah, The Dio thing is my first ever job…

DENA: Fascinating- it was mine too. Tell me how you came about the job- was it one of those fairy-tale stories where you were literally plucked from the streets to become a star? Like me?

DANIEL: (looks at the floor) Not really. I entered a competition, where the winner would get a one album contract and tour promoting a heavy metal band. I though that sounded kinda cool, you know, get a chance to show my talent.

DEAN: And how does it feel to have this sudden exposure, metaphorically speaking? The whole fame deal- how do you cope with that?

DANIEL: Well, that’s one of the reasons I came on the show- I don’t really know…

DEAN: (grins) Ah, now that’s where we can help you! (looks at his cue cards) I have a few guests on today who have each been in your position, and are here to explain how they coped with the bittersweet taste of fame, and its inevitable decline. First up is a survivor of the business with a chequered past. Having spent time in rehab for an addiction to Parker Knoll furniture, he’s now back with a vengeance- and a best-selling book. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Murray to the show!

Audience applause.

Murray enters the studio, shaking the foundations as he stomps his twelve-foot frame into the building, onto the stage and sits on a specially made large settee.

DEAN: So, Murray, you’ve been a mascot now for how many years?

MURRAY: (laughs) More than I care to remember.

DEAN: And they’re all well documented in your debut book ‘The Demon Without’, which has topped the Non-Fiction Bestseller’s charts here for the past three weeks. How does that make you feel?

MURRAY: Great, it’s nice to know that now I do less and less work in the mascot business, due to age and ill-health, I have something to fall back on, as opposed to, say, being stuck doing stints in theatre, or worse, hosting a chat show (looks at Dean).

Audience react to Murray’s snide comments, with the aid of props.

DEAN: (smiles coldly) Well, different strokes for different folks- some people actually enjoy being away from the public eye, at the beck and call of a publisher, and the thrill of whether your latest opus will reach the shelves, or be laughed off into oblivion. (under his breath) Just you watch it pal- there’s a reason it’s called the Dean Dragon show! (laughs, and returns his voice to normal volume) Now, some of the works in this book date back to over 5000 BC- you’ve got plenty of experience under your belt…

MURRAY: That’s right…

DEAN: Which for some is just a polite way of saying you’re old.

Audience laughs.

DEAN: But you’ve packed more into each of those many years than most have in a lifetime!

MURRAY: (chuckles) You can say that again.

DEAN: (repeats for Murray’s benefit) I said you’ve packed more into each of those years than most have…

MURRAY: (raises his hand) Yeah, you can stop now.

DEAN: Well, you’ve had some highs in your career…

MURRAY: Yes, well, I’ve done…

DEAN: (interrupts) And you’ve also had some terrifying lows, too.

MURRAY: I don’t really want to…

DEAN: Tell us about your Parker Knoll addiction. When did it start?

MURRAY: (rubs his face) Gee… It was about ‘84 I think, during the ‘Last In Line’ tour. A ‘friend’ got me to try some cocaine. He cut the lines on an old glass topped coffee table, and when I went to inhale… well, being my size, I accidentally over-sniffed and whoomph, the table was gone. This guy was not pleased, I can tell you- he lost over £4,000 worth of class A narcotics in one fell swoop. Then I stood up to apologise, and suddenly he didn’t mind at all- he was ever so sympathetic about it all. Just as well, really, because once that was over, I found myself inhaling furniture on a regular basis. I didn’t really notice I had much of a problem, even when I was suffering the severe side-effects that basically cost me my job at the time.

DEAN: (eagerly) And what side-effects were those?

MURRAY: Basically, I was becoming wooden, just like the stuff I was taking. I was okay if I got a fix, but if I didn’t… Apparently it’s a common result of this kind of narcotic consumption. So, my acting skills- pretty essential when you’re a touring mascot, as I’m sure (coughs) you’ll agree. (laughs)

DEAN: I’m sure there are a few actors out there who perhaps are suffering a similar addiction…

MURRAY: (due to threats of libel action from specific parties, the exact content of the following discourse cannot be fully represented, but it involved ‘Warner Brothers’, ‘Angel’ and a reference to an Irish accent) faker than Anna-Nicole Smith’s breasts!

DEAN: (laughs) That’s very true. Anyway, back to the issue in hand- you were then unceremoniously dumped from the band?

MURRAY: Yeah- I mean, now I understand why- I simply wasn’t doing my job to the required standard. This was due to the furniture, but it took me a good year or so to recognise I had a problem. I booked myself into the Parker Knoll clinic in ’86 and, save the odd mishap, have been clean ever since.

DEAN: Were you bitter about being sacked?

MURRAY: Well…

DEAN: Given the old heave ho?

MURRAY: I…

DEAN: Hung out to dry?

MURRAY: If you…

DEAN: The Spanish Archer?

MURRAY: (exasperated) If you’ll just let me… (pauses in perturbation) What the hell are you talking about?

DEAN: Spanish Archer? El Bow?

MURRAY: Oh, I see- I was very bitter at the time, mainly because I didn’t know how I was going to get my next fix- you see what a mess I was in? But you get over it, you see why it happened and you… well, you grow up, don’t you? (pause) Well, that’s what’s supposed to happen, if you know what I’m saying.

DEAN: Mmm huh- I’m with you all the way there. Let’s just say that seventeen years down the line, it really isn’t healthy to still feel the need to take pops at previous band members.

MURRAY: Oh yeah!

DEAN: Anyway- going back to the interview- if you had your time over again, what would you have done differently? And what advice could you give to our young Daniel here, who’s a bit unsure of which path he should take, and how to deal with the pressures of fame?

Camera pans to a slightly forlorn Daniel. The audience ‘ahhs’ appropriately.

MURRAY: Well, you know what they say, if I changed any aspect of my past, I may have a different present. I’m happy where I am, emotionally and monetary- wise. I think, given the opportunity, I would go back to the work I did. I enjoyed it and it was a good source of both creative output and income. Perhaps I’m a bit too old now. But there are pitfalls in every career- you just have to be careful and steer away from them. My best piece of advice to Daniel? Listen to other people’s experience- their failings can be invaluable in ensuring you don’t.

DEAN: Don’t what?

MURRAY: Fail- it was kinda one of those clever statements that emphasised my point…

DEAN: Oh yeah, I get it now- sorry.

MURRAY: Don’t mention it. It wasn’t that great.

DEAN: Well, our next guest’s story is one of unblemished success. Having spent over twenty years as acting mascot for one single supremely successful heavy metal band, where he was involved in albums, singles and touring work. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome one of the mascot world’s true survivors…

MURRAY: And no doubt a close, personal friend.

DEAN: (deep breath) And a close… (turns to face Murray) hey!

MURRAY: Or at least someone to whom you owe a lot of money…

DEAN: (aside, to Murray) Do you mind? (to audience) Please welcome, Eddie!

Eddie enters the studio and sits on a seat next to Murray.

DEAN: Welcome, Eddie!

EDDIE: Thanks for having me.

MURRAY: (sniggers)

EDDIE: (to Murray) Something amusing?

MURRAY: (smothers his laughter) No, no, not at all. Just… bad choice of words there- really bad.

Eddie looks non-plussed.

DEAN: (coughs) Anyway, so tell me Eddie- how long have you been working in Iron Maiden for now?

EDDIE: Well…

DEAN: What is it, twenty, twenty two years?

MURRAY: (aside, to Eddie) Don’t worry about that- I think he must just do it to everyone.

EDDIE: Hmm?

MURRAY: The butting in. It’s a chat-show host thing, I reckon. They like the sound of their own voice too much.

Murray settles back down in his chair. Eddie looks at him strangely.

EDDIE: Yeah, twenty-two years is about right.

DEAN: Would you say you’ve had many ups and downs, career-wise, like Murray over here?

EDDIE: No, not really- I’ve worked with the same band for over two decades now, in one form or another. It affords me good security and, let’s face it, it’s hardly rocket science, is it?

DEAN: True, true.

DEAN: Tell me, what’s the funniest thing that’s ever happened to you whilst working as a mascot?

EDDIE: Hmm… there was one incident involving me, Adrian Smith’s fishing gear and some really irritating member of the road crew… but I think it’s perhaps best I don’t mention it when part of this show goes out before the watershed.

Audience laughs.

DEAN: So, are you continuing to work in a mascot capacity for Iron Maiden?

EDDIE: Yes I am. The faces change, but I’m still the same (laughs). I’ve seen a grand total of two drummers, four guitarists, three singers and one bassist in that band.

MURRAY: No prizes for guessing which musician owns that band, then.

EDDIE: (laughs) That’s true- you can always tell, can’t you?

MURRAY: Yup.

DEAN: Wow- you’ve worked with ten band members?

EDDIE: Well, not at the same time, mind.

Audience laughs.

EDDIE: Though in recent years, they’ve come close.

Audience laughs harder.

DEAN: You also have a mascot agency, don’t you?

EDDIE: Yes, that’s right. Or rather, we have a mascot agency.

DEAN: (in over-exaggerated shock) Of course! Silly me- I’d forget my head if it wasn’t screwed on properly!

MURRAY: (under his breath) It doesn’t seem screwed on at all from where I’m standing.

DEAN: (to Eddie) Well, I’ll let you talk about this little business you, myself and, of course, my lovely wife Sandra, run together.

MURRAY: (disguising his words in a cough) Media whore!

EDDIE: Well, what’s to tell? I suppose it began a few years ago, when you and Sandra started up P.R.O.P.S. and, when the work got too much…

MURRAY: Like when more than three people signed up?

DEAN: Actually, P.R.O.P.S. has over three hundred mascots on our books, and are constantly looking for new talent- we have a ninety seven percent success rate and are committed to client care and confidentiality. A contact address will appear at the end of the show…

MURRAY: (laughs) Bugger, I walked straight into that one!

EDDIE: Anyway, when the business grew so that you couldn’t handle it yourselves, I stepped in as, first of all a silent partner, then as a not-so-silent partner, until we signed a three-way ownership deal. I think it was an advantageous career move. Of course, I had more time to dedicate to the agency a few years ago. Come to think of it, I have a lot of time now, too- Christ, that band are a lazy bunch- a whole year off? (laughs).

DEAN: (to audience) So, from a tale of sweet beneficial career longevity, we now take a look at the other side of the coin, the bitter hand of fate…

MURRAY: It’s a cruel twist, Dean.

DEAN: (to Murray) Well, my bitter hand twists fate cruelly! Sweet and Bitter- Bittersweet, do you see! (to audience) The bitter hand of fate. What happens when your career goes up the spout not due to your own stupidity, like Murray here…

MURRAY: Watch it, drama-student boy.

DEAN: But due to the business you represent folding. Just a few moths ago, world renowned Thrash Metal band Megadeth…

MURRAY: Never heard of them!

EDDIE: (gentle aside to Murray) Dude, you were Dio’s mascot when that band were the supporting act.

MURRAY: I don’t remember that- are you sure?

EDDIE: They, erm, supported for about three months, if I recall.

MURRAY: Oh.

DEAN: (to Murray and Eddie) Can I finish?

Murray opens his mouth to speak.

DEAN: (to Murray, before he can get a word in) That was a rhetorical question! (to audience) disbanded after founding member Dave Mustaine did… I dunno, something weird and human to his arm. (under his breath) Christ, what do I pay you researchers for, huh? (normal volume) Whilst the uninjured band members were able to continue their musical careers, albeit in different directions, what happens to their long time mascot? Well, he’s here tonight to answer that very question. Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to Vic Rattlehead!

Audience applause, Vic walks onto the studio and sits down in his designated chair.

DEAN: Welcome Vic.

VIC: Hi.

DEAN: So, tell us all about what happened to you.

VIC: I got made redundant.

DEAN: Yeeess… what exactly happened for you to end up redundant?

VIC: You just said in your introduction.

DEAN: But we want to hear it from you.

VIC: So why say it in the first place? It doesn’t leave me with much to work on.

DEAN: (aside, to Vic) Look, the idea is that I give a little introduction to your story, I then ask you questions that enable you to embellish upon that story, see?

VIC: Oh, okay- why didn’t you say so in the first place?

DEAN: Well, now we’ve got that sorted…

VIC: Seems a waste of time to me, but it’s your show.

DEAN: Quite. So, what happened?

VIC: Dave had an accident. Did something.. erm, got a radar on his nerves? I’m not sure…

MURRAY: Radial nerve damage?

VIC: (clicks his fingers) That’s the one- how did you know?

MURRAY: I have a medical degree. I don’t specialise in neuropathy, but in my younger days I could rearrange the CNS of a small rodent in under twenty seconds.

VIC: Yeah, well you probably know more about the incident than me. He’s not saying how he did it.

DEAN: Really? I heard it was a suspected suicide attempt.

VIC: Nah- I reckon it was something embarrassing, like he reached for the remote control at a funny angle.

DEAN: I see…

VIC: Or maybe some biscuits.

DEAN: Anyway, moving…

MURRAY: Maybe he jogged into a moose?

DEAN: Anyway… What?

MURRAY: It happened to some Norwegian footballer. It was put in his doctor’s notes ‘Jogged into a moose’.

EDDIE: Yeah, I heard about that!

MURRAY: You couldn’t make it up, could you?

DEAN: (coughs loudly) Anyway- Vic. So, how did you feel when this happened? Were you concerned about what you were going to do for a living?

VIC: Not really.

Pause

DEAN: (encouragingly) Why not?

VIC: Well, I had a pension plan and redundancy pay, didn’t I?

DEAN: Redundancy pay?

VIC: You should have seen the state of those drug-addled spotty youths when I signed up to work for them. Good grief- I swear to God, you could have cut any one of them up, from the navel to the larynx, and given twenty seven waste disposal workers a job for life, the amount of toxic substances they were consuming. I’m not stupid- I made sure it was stipulated in my contract in case they died before the first album was completed.

DEAN: So, now you’ve effectively been made redundant, are you planning to return to the mascot scene in the near future?

VIC: No.

DEAN: (aside to Vic) Erm, you know, it makes both our lives a lot easier if you elaborate…

VIC: Right.

Pause. Not an overly long one, but a noticeable one, none the less.

DEAN: So…?

VIC: Oh! Yes. I’m not returning to the mascot scene. I’m bored and disaffected with it. I’m thinking of a career move.

DEAN: Ooh, how exciting- pray tell, what into? Acting, writing… presenting?

VIC: No. I was thinking of maybe working as a florist for a bit.

DEAN: (surprised) A florist?

VIC: Why not?

DEAN: No, no reason... Erm, why a florist?

VIC: I like flowers.

MURRAY: (scoffs, to himself) And I suppose you could always shave bits off of your limbs to help the potency of the compost…

VIC: (ignoring Murray’s comments) But what I’d really like a career in is childcare.

Dean, Murray and Eddie all look at Vic incredulously.

DEAN: Childcare?

VIC: Yup.

DEAN: Childcare.

VIC: Right.

Long, uncomfortable pause.

EDDIE: Erm, Vic, are you sure that’s a viable career move?

VIC: Sure. Why not? I’m good with kids- look.

Vic shows the audience a picture- this is seen on monitor four:

DEAN: No, no, not at all. We’re all free to choose…

MURRAY: Vic- have you looked in the mirror recently? You’d frighten the kids!

VIC: How dare you make such a bigoted comment!

MURRAY: Bigoted? Sensible, more like- you’re a flipping skeleton with a range of metal add-ons specifically used for your own mutilation! That’s hardly going to make them feel secure, safe and happy!

VIC: Excuse me- picture (points at picture). Picture.

MURRAY: Yeah, but babies can hardly focus more than a foot- if that kid’s mum just happened to be peculiarly ugly, it might not notice the difference. But trust me- any child over the age of two will notice.

VIC: Prejudice.

MURRAY: What?

VIC: Pure, bloody-minded prejudice, that’s what it is!

MURRAY: Prejudice? It’s common sense!

VIC: (over Murray) Just because you are too narrow minded to handle my disability…

MURRAY: Disability? It’s just friendly advice- children and pagan-esque mutilated sacrifices don’t mix. Simple.

VIC: (stands up) You wanna piece of me, huh?

MURRAY: (sarcastically) Oh go on, bite me... Wait, you can’t, because your jaw is stapled together!

VIC: You just don’t have the chutzpah!

MURRAY: Me? I’d crush you in a second!

VIC: Go on then!

MURRAY: It’d hardly be a fair fight!

VIC: You chicken, Chicken?

MURRAY: Of course I’m not…

VIC: Chicken! (makes noises emulating a clucking hen)

MURRAY: (gets up out of his seat) Right, that does it!

EDDIE: Guys, can’t we just all sit down and talk about…

MURRAY AND VIC: Oh, shut up you bloody hippy!

The argument escalates almost out of control, until Daniel plaintively addresses the audience.

DANIEL: (to audience) I didn’t really want to be a mascot. I wanted to be…

MURRAY: A Lumberjack?

DEAN: Shhsh! (to Daniel) What is it you’ve always wanted to be, Daniel? Tell us- it’ll be our secret. (pause) Well, ours and 16 million other peoples.

DANIEL: I want to be- a drag queen!

Dean, Murray, Eddie and Vic look at each other, non-plussed.

ALL: A drag queen?

DANIEL: Performing in the glare of the bright lights of Las Vegas, with my beehive haired head held high, where I would sing, sing, sing! for the crowds, as well as performing my own brand of bitchy, personalised humour in between.

DEAN: Well, don’t just stand there, show us what you’ve got!

DANIEL: Okay!

DEAN: We’ll be right back after this break.

Roll break shots

DEAN: Welcome back to The Dean Dragon Show. You might remember before the break- well, unless you’re one of our ever increasing number of elderly, alcoholic, chronically unemployable, or worse still, student, viewers- that Daniel made a shock announcement that he would truly like to be a drag queen? Well, now he’s getting that chance, courtesy of The Dean Dragon Show. We’ve got the stage all set up, now all we need is the man… erm, drag queen, to show- Daniel, are you ready?

DANIEL: (off camera) Yep!

DEAN: Okay, you’re on!

Daniel steps out onto the stage, dressed in red stilletoes, a red satin tube dress and an auburn coloured long haired wig.

DANIEL: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Well, looking at some of you, I think the term ‘ladies’ is shooting a little wide of the mark, you know what I’m saying?

Drum roll.

Audience whoops.

DANIEL: So, whaddya think of the outfit? Classy, eh?

Audience oohs and ahhs appropriately.

DANIEL: Yeah, you ladies know what it’s like- don’t wanna be too trampy and show too much skin- or scales, in my case.

Drum roll.

Audience laughs.

DANIEL: Well, not until the encore, anyhow.

Drum roll.

Audience laughs.

DANIEL: Anyway, I’m gonna do a little song now that I’m sure everyone can relate to- an epic tale of suffering, joy and confusion, conveyed in just a little over three minutes. (to studio musicians) Piano, please.

Daniel picks up his microphone and begins a rendition of Barbara Streisand’s ‘Woman In Love’. Once he has finished, the audience applauds loudly.

DEAN: (clapping) Wow, Daniel, that was amazing! Do any of our panel of guests have any constructive comments to make?

VIC: I have one.

DANIEL: Yes?

VIC: Change the dress colour. That whole ‘red and green should never be seen’ rule was made for a reason. Apart from that- great!

EDDIE: I agree- Pinks might be better, for the playfulness, or possibly earth tones. But avoid purple, for God’s sake.

MURRAY: What’s wrong with the red? These rules are made to be broken, Vic. Perhaps a different shade of red- anyone can wear red, you know, it’s just all about the shade…

Pan to Dean sitting in his chair for his ‘Thought Of The Day’

DEAN: Well, we can all learn something from today. Mascot work may seem glamorous, pay good money and, let’s face it, help pull the chicks, but there is a darker side to this golden opportunity. All you can do, if you’re luck enough to find yourself in such a position, is be aware of the pitfalls, avoid the more dangerous temptations, realise it’s not a permanent position, and keep your head down, especially when in bed (grins). Take care of yourselves, and each other, and remember, if you haven’t checked the front door yet, chances are it probably isn’t locked, and a burglar has indeed ransacked the upstairs of your house. Sweet dreams!

Roll end credits.